infect

april 30 2004

April 30 2004
It has been 4 months since I stopped taking my meds and I feel completely different, like my mind is sharper and the thought fog has lifted. I feel bad that Mom still wastes money on them, but I can’t risk saying anything that would send me back to a psychiatric hospital. I’d honestly pay my allowance to stay off of the shit. I had a confusing nightmare last night. The shadow person with the dot eyes who looks like an older Noah was playing chess with me in my room. There was a loud banging at the door and I knew that there was something evil on the other side. “Open the fucking door!” this monstrous voice boomed. He looked at me as if to say, “What are you going to do?” and I shook my head in fear. He then took my journal, put it up against the door, and drew a symbol in it, the same eye symbol that Mom has on her hand that I’ve seen so much in my dreams. As he drew I heard these words in my head, “PRAESIDIUM ADVERSUS EGOTISTICUS”. The knocking stopped. He handed me the journal and said “You have to mean it” and the next thing I knew, I was in my room but it was completely bare empty. I couldn’t see anything and someone was chasing me in the darkness. I ran into shadow Noah again. He had a briefcase. Suddenly, from behind him appeared who had been chasing me. There he was. The big man. From what I could make out he was exactly like I had described, an unnaturally tall man wearing a business suit with a blank face. Shadow Noah smirked at him, holding up a book that I knew belonged to Karl. I felt the tension in the room build at this like it was some kind of snide power move. Noah looked back at me and pointed

april 30 2004

to the front door, which opened. Someone was standing there but I woke up before I could make them out. I blinked and I was awake, standing at my window. In my delirium I saw someone behind the big tree in the neighbor’s front yard. There was a flash of light and they ran down the road. I’m not sure if that was a dream too, because when I blinked again it was morning and I was back in bed. I’ve never had such vivid dreams before, and I’m pretty sure a bunch of them are memories straight out of the old entries. I’ve been rereading and reevaluating everything I wrote down over 7 years ago with new eyes. I don’t know if I’m going off the deep end or if all of this scary stuff actually happened.

may 24 2004

May 24 2004
At school today I looked up those words from my dream on the library computer and they mean “protection against selfish” in Latin. I was reminded of those odd words that the Ouija board had spelled out years ago, so I tried looking them up too. Ephemeris means diary, Occultatum means hidden, Esuriens means hungry, and Undique means everywhere. So, a diary was talking to Kevin and I saying that my Dad was hidden and the big man was hungry and everywhere. Was it you who was talking to us, Journal? What did you mean by hidden? Because hidden doesn’t mean dead. I had to know if Kevin remembered anything. At lunch I asked him if he remembers back in elementary school when we played with a Ouija board together. He says he doesn’t remember that. He remembers the Dr. Seuss assignment we worked on and me breaking a glass, but now he tells me that he’s never owned a Ouija board. My memories of that time are coming back now and I’m certain what happened was not a dream or a hallucination. I don’t think he’s lying to me and I don’t think he remembers anything either, but it freaks me out how much Kevin has changed since that night. He used to be real bubbly and friendly but he got quieter and distant going into middle school. We hung out less and less and when we did we played less and now it’s a miracle if we ever get to hang out. It feels like my best friend morphed into a different person overnight. I can’t be completely upset because his grades really started improving. I’m really proud of him because he used to be so sad that he couldn’t get any A’s... and now he’s getting higher grades than I am.

may 24 2004

He says he got meds to fix his ADHD and his mom got him a tutor in middle school that really clicked with him. While I’m happy for him, I can’t shake the feeling now that I’m responsible for the change. Maybe I really did infect him with something by just being close friends. But how can something that’s supposed to only be in my head infect someone else’s life? Between Mom’s lies, memories connecting to my past writings, and all this paranormal shit, I’m starting to believe in the impossible. Who knows, maybe Dad is actually out there somewhere. If I live in a world where a supernatural being in a business suit can exist, a book can communicate to me through a spirit board, and they can make a second Shrek movie, then I’m damn well allowed to believe that there’s a chance that my Dad can still be alive.