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| january 5 2004 |
January 5 2004
I had a dream about Dad. He was pushing me on a swing at the park and I fell and scraped my knee. Then we got ice cream and he told me he had money in the bank saved up for my college fund. I woke up on the floor. Whenever I dream about Dad, I’m never sure if I’m making up a dream or recalling an early memory because I was too young to remember him. Mom lets me know if she remembers the events happening but she said that she doesn’t remember me scraping my knee and said Dad never got around to setting up that fund because of the fire. Then again, I don’t remember seeing her in the dream so who knows if it actually happened. Not to mention, a lot of things that Mom says don’t add up. I once had this vivid dream that we all went to Disney World for a week but Mom insists we’ve never went. We even used to have a Mickey Mouse glass I remember us buying in the cupboard but Mom said it was a gift from a friend. She broke it a few years ago. When she says goodnight, she doesn’t go to sleep right away. Many times I overhear her talk to this person late into the night. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, so I don’t think it’s John. I had written about it too. Sometimes she even talks in a different language, sometimes I hear her writing down stuff,
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| january 5 2004 - january 30 2004 |
other times I hear her mentioning me, people in our family, and strange things that I’ve found in my old entries like sessions and birthrights. I’m pretty sure I actually heard her say Mr. Slim once. I always figured she was talking to someone from her PTA meetings. Tonight I put my ear to her door and heard her say, “Danke Henka”. I used to think it was just a German greeting, but now I know that Henka is the name of the skull man from my childhood visions. That’s not a common name I don’t think. Is he real? Who is this person? I can’t ask Mom because she can’t know that I have you and I can’t just say my memory suddenly returned because I’ve been thinking... what if these pills are meant to block my memories? What if it’s not just a side effect? If I start mentioning random stuff from years ago, would she suspect I’m not taking my meds? I’m really anxious now because what if there’s more to those delusions I had as a little kid? Maybe I’m just overthinking junk, but I really hope she isn’t cheating on John with someone else. John is a good stepdad and I love him.
January 30 2004
Something really weird happened today. Mom went to her weekly PTA meeting and came home just like she usually does, but during dinner someone called late. John picked up and said it was for Mom. She ran
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| january 30 2004 |
with the phone to the kitchen and we heard her say, “Eating dinner, why? Emergency? What’s the emergency? Emergency meeting? Ok ok, alright. I’ll be there.” She said she there was an urgent budgetary issue that couldn’t wait until next Friday and she rushed out without finishing dinner. John mumbled something about how Mom cares more about the welfare of the PTA than the family sometimes. As the PTA’s treasurer she said she works hard with money, keeping records and preparing reports. What was really weird about it is that last week I was talking to Kevin and the PTA came up in conversation. He said his mom is a part of it too. I asked what he did on Fridays when his mom is out but he said she never goes out to any meetings on Friday. He says they meet Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figured this was because his mom didn’t have an important role like treasurer, but something about Mom leaving suddenly at night felt extra weird, especially after seeing what my younger self wrote about. She came back at midnight and said that she fixed the error and that everything was sorted out. I really want to believe that but the more I’m off my meds, the more I feel that Mom is being dishonest. I still love her but I want to know the truth. Also, I just woke up in the bathtub before writing this. I think I’m starting to sleepwalk. This is the third time I’ve woken up in a random place. I’ve been hearing noises outside my window more too. It’s still difficult to tell what is real sometimes.
