surveillance

january 1 2008

January 1 2008
These past three days I’ve been a nervous wreck. I’m unsure if Mom is aware of my mental sovereignty or not, given my actions. Back at Karl’s, she came back up from the basement, snatched up the folders, and said we have to go. Sharon refused, as the will had not been signed yet. However, we all left quickly once Karl returned, shotgun drawn. He kicked us out into the night. Mom was surprisingly calm and Sharon was the furious one. The translator man was shaking from the ordeal and called a cab home. The drive home was a blur of fighting and stale fast food stink. I wrote the last entry in the early morning locked in the bathroom, nursing my aching jaw. In the morning after she saw me swallow my capsule to regurgitate later, Mom took me aside, gave me an ice pack, and asked how I was feeling. I said my jaw is sore but I’m okay. I decided to roll the dice and take a chance playing the fool. I asked what had happened last night and claimed that all I remember was being in the car. She said that we went to Grandpa Karl’s house to notarize his will, but it didn’t get signed because he had a violent manic episode and we had to leave in a hurry. She went on explaining that I had hit my head when Sharon stopped short on the drive home. I played along as if it had all actually happened. She said, “There will be more opportunities.” Her placid demeanor made me uneasy. I’m pretty sure that she intended for me to get the journal, and had I been taking those caps regularly, I think that I may have done the same thing. Even when fully medicated, I still remember feeling a gravitational pull towards the vague

january 1 2008

concept of a book that I couldn’t rationalize in that state. I think that’s why I gravitated to that library job. I just don’t know if I would have been any more successful had I been under that medication’s spell. I hesitated plenty. Who knows what she’s thinking. Last night, after the ball dropped to usher in 2008, Mom got a call and stepped out of the room. I figured it was John with New Year’s wishes, but I don’t think it was. “What do you mean he filed a restraining order? Just us? Not Sharon? What the fuck? This is bullshit!” All this over that goddamn book. There’s something terribly special about it beyond my understanding, and it frightens me to be honest. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t get it. No doubt Mom would know if I had it because Karl would be losing his shit once he realized it was missing, and I’m sure he has some kind of deep connection to it so he would have known immediately. And, feeling what I felt, there’s no telling what would happen if the likes of my Mom got control over it. Also, I was scanning through that week of surveillance footage tonight when something caught my eye. For a moment, I saw a flash. I rewound and replayed. I got him. From behind the tree someone emerged for no more than a second to snap a photo. If I would have blinked, I would have missed it. The person had walked across the street in such a way as to perfectly conceal themselves behind the tree, out of view of my window. I slowed the playback frame by frame and stopped at the moment right before the flash. I got up close to the TV to get a better look. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. It was difficult to make out,

january 1 2008

but the face I saw made my heart skip uncomfortably. Behind a shiny pair of glasses was what looked exactly like the face of Kevin Haas. Like an avalanche, my mind was lost in a flurry of thoughts. I had forgotten about Kevin. He had been slowly drifting away from me for a long time, becoming increasingly reclusive and stopped answering his phone, but after high school ended it was like he disappeared. He had tried to do some freelance work in the past, but the last time I spoke to him I remember him saying that he landed a full time assistant job at some startup called Ricola Events. I looked up Ricola Events on the Adler’s computer but I couldn’t find any company matching that name in our area, or in all of Alabama for that matter. I still had his number in my phone so I dialed it. The number had been disconnected. There’s no doubt in my mind that I invited Mr. Slim into his life anymore. Was he lying? What has he been doing? Why is he taking candid photos of me while I fucking sleep? Is he working for the cult now? For Mom? This visit north has turned from one of the best trip’s I’ve had in years into one of the most alarming. I’m going to try and find him when I get home. Ok, just woke up from a dream I can’t forget. I followed shadow me into the garage. He pointed to the entrance to the attic. That must be where that safe is hidden. I can’t fucking wait to get home.

will

december 21 2007

December 21 2007
We flew into New York yesterday. It occurred to me as we landed that I haven’t been to New York in 10 years. Man, did I miss the food here. I’m sure I ate my weight in pizza alone. The Adler kids have really grown. I almost didn’t recognize them in their formal attire and their personalities were very unlike what I remember. They seemed like completely different people. I guess a decade will do that. We spent a good while catching up and it felt really nice reacquainting with one another. Only a few students in their entire university receive such accolades for exemplary academic performance so I felt proud to be related to them. I didn’t really know my Grandma Sonia well, but I wish she could have been there to see her sister’s grandchildren be so distinguished. Aunt Steph saw me show off my camera and she asked if I could film them as they walked to accept their awards since their camera had broken, and I agreed. Good thing I brought extra tapes. I still have to review the last week of night footage. I’ve honestly gotten lazy due to results. Before we left for the ceremony in the afternoon, Mom complained of severe abdominal pain and said to go on without her and that she’d meet us there. Of course, she never showed up. I already knew she was lying. It’s Friday and her secret special meetings are more important than celebrating her own family. Despicable. At the auditorium, Aunt Sharon was there. I sat next to her and asked about Noah. She said he and his dad weren’t able to make it for monetary reasons. I was relieved, honestly. The less exposure he has to me the better. I feel bad about not calling him for his birthday, but the less contact the better. I went on to film the ceremony, but had to stop shooting before the closing statements because I had foolishly neglected to charge the camera overnight and the battery had died on me. No sooner had I realized this, than I caught

december 21 2007 - december 28 2007

a glimpse of Mr. Slim. He was behind a promenade window above the farthest seats across the arena overlooking the auditorium. I tried to boot up my camera, but there was no juice. Typical ill-timed circumstances, it’s like he knows. I had trained myself for this moment though. In one swift motion, I flipped out my phone and snapped a pic. He was gone as soon as the snapshot noise chimed, but this time I got the son of a bitch. The image glitched and I didn’t get his full form, but there’s clearly someone there, darker than the rest. I can almost make out branchlike tendrils. As everyone began to stand up to exit, I was the most ecstatic person in the room. This was just a small step in acquiring evidence and wouldn’t hold up on its own, but a step forward nonetheless. What is a lake but accumulation of many drops? I’m going to allow myself to sleep soundly tonight. Any progress deserves to feels really, really good.

December 28 2007
I was under the impression from Mom that we were going to leave shortly after the award ceremony, but apparently we’re staying through New Years for a change. I’m grateful that the Adler family was gracious enough to house us for that long. We spent the holidays with them and I had a really great time. It really felt like the old family reunions we used to have, back when times were simpler and happiness was in abundance. I was having such a good time with the Adlers that I didn’t even notice Mom leave last night. I was still riding the high of snagging that photo when she abruptly took me aside during game night to say that we’re leaving for an important meeting soon.

december 28 2007

My contentment was shattered. I didn’t want to go to any of her shady secret meetings but I knew better than to question her, lest I wish to blow my faux-medicated cover. Medicated me tends to follow orders without question. I reluctantly got dressed and followed her outside. There was a car waiting for us. To my surprise, the driver was Aunt Sharon. I assumed she was also in the cult. I tried my best to remain calm but I was already thoroughly freaking out. She asked why Mom was bringing me. Mom replied that, “Either he comes along to see him or the deal is off. I want Milo to speak to him.” Sharon conceded with a heavy sigh and we drove off. I was panicking internally, not knowing what was happening and unable to bring myself to ask anything in fear of giving myself away to Mom. The sisters were behaving alarmingly civil. Nothing seemed right. In my nervous rush, I had left my camera and phone in my backpack. I felt naked without them, utterly defenseless. First, we pulled up to an unfamiliar house and a quiet man with a stack of folders got in the back seat across from me. Next, we pulled into a Burger King drive thru and Sharon ordered 5 meals. Oddly enough, this scared me even more, only adding to the sheer confusion of the situation. Finally, after a drive long enough to make the burgers cold, we parked on a familiar street. We were at Grandpa Karl’s house. “First we iron out the legalities. Milo can come in after we’re done. I don’t want any issues with dad.” Sharon said. Mom agreed and told me, “Stay here and eat. We will come back for you after we’re done sorting things out.” She gave me an abnormally long glare before breaking eye contact, as if to insinuate

december 28 2007

something unsaid. The sisters and the mystery man left the car with their food and rang the doorbell. Mom stayed out of view as Karl answered the door to Sharon. He looked much older, his hair had fallen out and he walked with a limp. She and the man exchanged some words with Karl before he looked past them to see Mom and a commotion erupted. Karl tried to shut the door, but Mom stuck her foot in it and ushered everyone inside. The door slammed shut and I was left in silence, forced to breathe the stench of paper bag wrapped fast food. They were confronting Karl about a legal matter. It didn’t seem to be cult related so far. But why did Mom need to speak to him all of a sudden? I was a bit dizzy from the stress and not hungry in the least, so I opened the car door to get some fresh air. Maybe this wasn’t a cult meeting, maybe this was just a Karl meeting. I reevaluated my predicament. Mom could have simply just left me with the Adlers, or even back home with John. We spent a lot of cash on those plane tickets. I was beginning to think that she brought me along deliberately. Maybe she’s counting on me to nab that magic journal. That had to be why I was there. The front door’s unlocked. I knew where to look. I could sneak in if I dared. But should I do what she wants me to? What they want me to? Is it even a good idea to steal it? I’ve felt an uncanny attraction to that damn book for years. Fuck it, I thought. I was so close before, and I don’t know the next time I’ll have such an opportunity. If anything, I could swipe it covertly without anyone knowing so I could find out for myself why it was so sought after. So I left the car, went to the door, and entered as quietly as I could.

december 28 2007

I didn’t have to try that hard, because the shouting in the kitchen masked any noise I made in the foyer. I moved to the adjacent room and listened in. They were discussing Karl’s will, and the unknown man seemed to be a translator. At first I wondered why he was there, considering Mom knows German. Either he’s there for legal counsel, or Sharon probably hired him because she doesn’t trust Mom, and I wouldn’t blame her. It was clear that Karl was not being cooperative. Sharon was calm and collected, but Mom was heated. Eventually she said, “What’s gonna happen to that book when you go, dad?” I heard Karl light a cigarette and mutter something before coughing. The man translated, “Little girls shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches when they enjoy lighting fires.” Mom was furious at this and I smiled wide to myself. I couldn’t help but admire the gall my grandfather had for holding his own against her. Sharon took hold of the conversation and mentioned appraising the collection of expensive China dishware, held in the room I was currently in. I quickly snuck out as they entered and turned on the light. I tiptoed upstairs, retracing my dream like I had done years ago. I entered the closet, turned on the light, and located the vent. I didn’t have a screwdriver, so I plucked a thin button from one of the coats and used it to loosen the screws and remove the vent. There it was. The ammunition box. Nostalgia rushed through me as I unlatched it, took out the old satchel, and removed the leather bound journal. It was surreal to hold it again. I untied it and flipped through the aged pages.  It was ages upon pages of German writing with some odd drawings.

december 28 2007

Depictions of Mr. Slim were among them. Suddenly, I came across something that… my mind couldn’t make sense of. I still cannot find the words to accurately explain or recall what it was. I felt the same intense vibe that I had only felt once before when I had last seen it in 1996. I touched it. I felt nothing on my skin as my fingertips passed over it, but a bizarre sensation flowed through me that I can only describe as an ineffably strong connection to some divine power, far beyond my comprehension. In that moment, it was as if millions of wandering eyes had all turned to stare at me at once. I felt him. He was very near. There was an abrupt piercing shriek from downstairs. It was Karl, “Das kind! Das kind ist hier!” I leaped up and ran down stairs with this holy tomb that felt alive in my hands, adrenaline racing. I could hear bounding from across the house towards me. I made it to the front door, opened it, and was blocked by dark figure. Shadow Karl. “Nicht.” he whispered. Before I had the chance to react, I was checked in the jaw by an elbow and fell to the floor. Karl pried the journal from my grip and held it tight as the others entered the scene. Karl ran downstairs to the basement as Mom gave chase, both screaming in German at each other. Karl kept repeating the same line over and over. Sharon, bewildered, asked the trembling translator what he was saying. The man gulped and translated, “The child tried to kill us all. The child tried to kill us all.”

camera

september 16 2007

September 16 2007
I’m 19 now. I woke up to Oscar sitting on my chest, licking my face. At least someone cares it’s my birthday. I don’t really have birthday parties anymore. What usually happens now is that I wake up to a card from John and Mom with a meager amount of cash and an extra nice meal if I’m lucky. I know money is tight right now, but the ‘love’ I’m receiving feels so... corporate. Like it’s only there for the sake of keeping up appearances. I’m glad I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but more and more I feel like I’m in a rat in a cage disguised as a home. I will escape this cage one day, but until then I must deal with these cards I’ve been dealt. These awful, terrible cards. But despite my unfortunate hand, I’m still in the game. Today I decided to treat myself by doing something that’s been on my mind for a while, buying myself a camcorder. I’ve always wanted to have my very own video camera so I figured, why not just go out and buy one? I have enough money saved up from work, and the birthday cash helps too. I’ve been reading several books about film production and I want to maybe get involved in the film industry someday, so I might as well start somewhere. I asked John to drive me to Best Buy because Mom asleep past noon again. We picked out a decent camera for $500 and some tapes. John admitted they hadn’t bothered to get me a cake due to some argument so he took me out to eat at my favorite restaurant, this little family run German place, which I honestly preferred to some store bought cake. Some of my best times now are spent alone bonding with John, it’s always different when Mom is there with us. He always talks about how Mom has changed, how she’s grown more distant and that magic he felt years ago just isn’t there. I think deep

september 16 2007 - october 7 2007

down, we both know the relationship is on the rocks. I feel so bad for John. He’s a genuinely good person and he certainly deserves better than the likes of my Mom. Leaving the restaurant, I saw Mr. Slim in the parking lot, clear as day. As much as videography was on my mind, so was the prospect of capturing evidence of this creature. I gripped the camera package tight as we drove away. I’ve been wondering, if I was able to catch him in a photo, maybe I could catch him on video? Even if others are unable to notice him at first, I might be one step closer to proving my sanity. Testing the camera out, an idea hit me. I’m going to set up the camera to record out my window overnight to see if I can catch the guy who’s been snapping photos late at night. The tapes are reusable, so I can do this nightly until I capture whoever is doing this. I’m going to cut a hole in a tissue box, hide the camera in it, and place it on my windowsill inconspicuously. Someone thinks they can film me without me knowing? Well, two can play that game.

October 7 2007
I’m at Karl’s house. The shadow version of me is there. I follow him up the stairs into a closet I’ve never been inside before. He pulls aside a rack of coats and kneels to unscrew an air vent. Then, I’m sitting in a chair in a dark room. I’m holding something heavy. It’s a gun. My left arm is covered in wounds and I’m in tears. Shadow Noah is standing in a doorway nearby. The door in front of me opens and someone walks in. Their presence fills me with a strong mix of emotions. As these feelings reach a peak, I wake. It’s 4 PM. I usually have these intense dreams when I sleep in this late. My daily routine for the past three weeks consists of hooking up my camera to the TV and spending a few hours

october 7 2007

fast forwarding through the nighttime surveillance footage to see if I’ve caught the stalker on film. So far, it’s been silent save for September 30th. Someone in a hoodie can be seen walking down the street at 3 AM. Could be nothing, but it’s very suspicious to me. When I went to my psychiatrist, I asked hypothetically what it would happen if a patient was able to capture evidence of their hallucinations. She told me this story about a delusional patient she had in the 90s who was convinced that there was a man in a big coat wandering around his home at night, spying on him from the woods while he slept. One day, he came to her proclaiming that he had gotten him on tape. She watched his footage and to her surprise there was something there on the tape. Turns out, it was just a bear. I showed her the evidence from my phone. She didn’t acknowledge anything, but instead told me that she believes that I am seeing these beings and that if I’m able to capture what I see on video she can help me make better sense of what I’m perceiving. I’ve been seeing Mr. Slim more often now but, like the night stalker, he’s eluded my capture so far. Trying to film him has been a string of frustrating inconveniences. Either I’ve not had my camera with me, or when I do he always disappears by the time it’s turned on. I’ve had a few really close calls at work, but I’ve got nothing definitive on tape yet. The video has also heavily corrupted playback at times. Either this new camera is broken, or his very presence warps electronics. I think Mr. Slim has some kind of mental cloaking ability that allows him to hide in plain sight. For some reason, immediate members of my family are less susceptible to it. My theory is that the more you are exposed to his presence the more his camouflage wears off and his influence becomes apparent to you, just like how photosensitive paper is blank until a light source is

october 7 2007

shown through a negative at it and an image slowly becomes visible. I think me being close to Kevin weakened the camouflage’s effect on him, kind of like getting radiation poisoning from being exposed to an excessive amount of high energy waves. I also believe that the more you’re able to see him, the more he chooses to invade your life. For whatever reason, this being doesn’t like his cover being blown. It makes me wonder who else I could have put at risk by merely being in frequent close proximity to over the years. Maybe my extended family? What about my teachers and classmates? How about my coworkers or the neighbors? My stepdad? The mailman? Oscar? Who knows, but I think that if I’m able to capture hard visual validation of Mr. Slim on tape by my biannual checkup in June and prove to Dr. Garner that he is a real entity, I can make the case that I’m not schizophrenic after all. I don’t expect for her to spot him instantly, but considering how we have an established history together it might not take all that much to reveal him. She may very well see him just as soon as Noah did. I do realize that this potentially puts Dr. Garner in danger, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take at this point. If she believes me, I’ll have a reputable ally in the scientific community to vouch for my claims and maybe then some actual progress can be made. Until then, the only thing I have to look forward to is eating New York food. Elizabeth and Will Adler are getting formally recognized in a ceremony for scholastic achievement in December and Mom and I are flying up north to attend. I eavesdropped on Mom and John talking in the middle of the night and she mentioned something about visiting Grandpa Karl for something important. If we do stop by his house for whatever reason, I’m going to try to find that closet vent. I’m pretty sure that’s where he’s hidden the journal.

pantry

june 24 2007

June 24 2007
On the morning drive back, I was silent. My head was replaying the events of last night on repeat. It was real. It all actually fucking happened. I charged my phone in the car and listened to the audio that I had recorded. It cuts to some loud screech before the shadow man shouted, but that terrible clicking sound will haunt me for as long as I live. The fact that it felt vaguely familiar to me gave me chills every time I played it. I had Noah listen to it and he said that it sounded like a wooden crank. One of the pics I don’t remember taking that shocked me was a glitched photo of trees, but if you looked closely you can see what looks like Mr. Slim. I showed it to Noah and to my surprise he said, “Huh. Yeah, it kinda looks like a man.” Uncle Alex said that he didn’t see anything but trees, to which Noah disagreed firmly. I tried not to freak out. Alex said it must be like one of those rabbit duck illusions he couldn’t see. We stopped at a rest stop and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. There was a little blood but I felt much better afterward. Could have been the camp food. Probably just car sickness I hope. Arriving back at Noah’s place, I wanted to put everything I experienced behind me and get back into the blissfully ignorant mindset of enjoying my time at Noah’s, so I wanted to just have a gaming marathon for the rest of the day. His parents went out for the day and weren’t gonna be back until later so we just played video games. After lunch, we walked back to Noah’s room and there he was. Mr. Slim was right fucking there standing at the end of the hallway.

june 24 2007

We screamed and ran to the pantry to hide. I was completely terrified, but also in awe at this confirmation. Noah really did see him too. “You can see him?” I asked. “Who the fuck is that?” Noah whispered, hyperventilating. The mix of fear and elation clashed within me like oil and water, and as I looked in his frightened eyes in the dim light of the pantry I had a flash of a vision from 10 years ago. Shadow Noah wanted me to help Noah. At that moment I wanted to stop time and tell him everything that had happened, but instead in that moment Noah looked behind me and screamed. I turned and was faced point blank with a black tie. We held each other and screamed. The last thing I saw was pitch black tendrils wrap around us, plunging the pantry into blackness. I woke up with a jolt to Noah yelling. He was cheering. I was on his bed as he sat playing Resident Evil 4. I waited for a second and asked what had happened. He said that he just defeated the U3 boss, the one with the dropping cages. He went on explaining how it had taken him a long time to beat it before apologizing for waking me. He said that after lunch he played the game while I took a nap. I asked what about hiding in the pantry from the big man? He thought I was talking about Resident Evil and told me about how he already passed that level while I was asleep. He went back to playing as I sat there dumbfounded. I whipped out my phone and brought up the pic of Mr. Slim

june 24 2007

in the trees. I asked Noah if he remembers seeing that man and he replied, “I don’t see a man, there’s just trees.” He had been wiped.* I asked what meds he takes, if he takes any capsules. He said other than antibiotics when sick, nothing. As he went back to playing, I cried silently behind him. I saw so much of myself in him: my childhood innocence... now shattered beyond repair, my love of gaming... now reduced to a distraction from reality, my unknowing mind... now pried open and raw for the buzzards to pick at. He is cursed, like me, but doesn’t even realize it yet. And although I’m truly happy that he’s had the luxury of being oblivious to his dormant affliction for 16 years unlike myself, I think it’s only because I’m the current target. Maybe I’m just keeping his sickness at bay because Mr. Slim is focused on me. Everyone I’ve seen with a dark counterpart must be vulnerable. This means that Mom can definitely see him, Karl must be able to, and maybe even Kevin too. I know this latent state is temporary for Noah. It’s only a matter of time before it comes creeping into his life too. But he won’t be prepared like I was, growing up with it from infancy. I never wanted to get Noah involved in the tangles of my problems, but realizing that it’s really a shared condition and that this misfortune may be inescapable for him brought me over the edge to a point beyond the ability to enjoy my stay. I faked a phone call and said my plane had a last minute reschedule so I had to leave immediately. As I’m writing this now from the plane home, I’m realizing I left some of my games**. I don’t think I’ll message him about it. Noah is my best friend, but I’m not sure if I should even keep contacting him. If my fate is inevitable for him and being in contact puts him in danger, I want to protect him as long as possible by keeping my distance.

*i don’t remember the pantry incident. i only remember playing resident evil with milo. i do remember the photo he showed me now, and now i can clearly see who he was talking about. more than not when i look back, i feel like i was blind.

**milo never asked me for his games back, and he never thanked me after i sent them back. after that visit, our phone calls became less and less frequent. i thought maybe either i had upset him somehow or he was just going through a lot back home since he always mentioned that his mom was a bitch. i knew he visited many psychiatrists, but he never discussed them with me so i wrote his aloofness off to personal mental issues all those years. knowing the truth now, i really don’t blame him for keeping quiet to spare me from the turmoil for as long as possible. he took it upon himself to bear the full weight of that burden, which is inspiring and brave beyond my abilities. he was really a true friend, and i owe him more than i can ever repay.

fox

june 23 2007

June 23 2007
I woke up alone in the darkness. As my eyes adjusted to the surroundings and I looked around, I panicked. I was in a forest, but it was a very different forest. It was far denser, the trees were taller, and it was much colder than when I went to bed. It was the forest from my dreams. I emerged from a thick haze blanketing the ground and got some footing. The crickets were deafening and I could see my breath. Looking up, I realized just how strikingly bright the stars were. I had never seen so many before in my life, other than in space posters. I took out my phone and called Noah. No signal, low battery. This was either the most vivid forest dream I’ve ever had, or I had somehow sleepwalked far away from the campsite. I started walking toward the brightest star I could make out, as advised by a hiking survival handbook I read once. If I follow the north star due north, I can use it to navigate in place of a compass. I used my phone’s flash as a light at first, but decided to turn it off to conserve battery. The full moon provided plenty of light to illuminate the path ahead. Then, I saw a dim light flickering off the trees. I ventured closer and saw that it came from a large crackling campfire with a sizable tent behind it. I was about to run over for help, but then I stopped in my tracks. I could make out a man sitting at a table by the fire. He was sharpening a big knife. Making as little noise as possible, I backed up and went in the opposite direction. As much as I wanted to be near that fire to warm up, I really didn’t want to be near that man or his big knife.

june 23 2007

I still had a spoon in my cargo pants pocket from dinner, so I began carving the eye symbol on a bunch of trees like I had done in my dream. I figured this was the shadow beings’ way of showing me how to protect myself from evil. Eventually, I came across a clear stream and couldn’t help myself but drink from it to moisten my parched throat. I heard a rustling in front of me and an animal came out of the darkness across the water. It was a fox. It limped towards me, wheezing pathetically. As it got closer I could see that it was badly injured. Its fur was covered in patches of blood and one of its hind legs was twisted broken, but it didn’t seem afraid of me at all. As it sat across from me and turned its head to drink, I held my breath in a gasp. One of its eyeballs was dangling from its socket by a glistening red thread. I was sufficiently disturbed, half at the fox’s gruesome state and half because it occurred to me that I had dreamt of this exact animal before in my youth. Suddenly, its head shot up and stared me with its one working eye. It felt like it was looking right through me, but I quickly realized it was really looking past me. What I was feeling was another’s gaze. I turned around and froze solid. From amongst the trees, Mr. Slim leered at us. That moment was the most terrified I had ever felt in my entire life... seeing the absurdly tall faceless humanoid figure in formal attire from my darkest nightmares,

june 23 2007

as still as the trees, right in front of me. The feeling of his lingering gaze was so much more potent than it had ever been before. My skin crawled, my hair became needles, and my blood ran ice cold. I was mentally and physically petrified. I couldn’t move a muscle, I couldn’t even blink. It felt like a waking sleep paralysis. I was absolutely helpless in that moment. After what seemed like an eternity, his head moved slightly and I broke from my trance. I shot up backwards and darted away as fast as I could, leaving the poor immobilized fox behind to stare in fear at the surreal horror. I sprinted aimlessly into the dense, stagnant fog for a good while before stopping to rest at the trunk of a large tree. I was playing out my dreams now. I carved the symbol into the bark and hid in a small alcove underneath a fat root. I heard noises approach and cupped my mouth silent. Some sort of odd clicking sound echoed off the trees and I took out my phone to record it. After I started recording, I slipped and cut my hand on a sharp root, letting out a tiny yelp. The clicking immediately stopped. I felt him uncomfortably close now. I sobbed, convinced that this was where I would die at the hands of boogeyman. Out of nowhere, a nearby shout cracked through the silence. “HEY OVER HERE” I got up to peek. Mr. Slim was directly over my hiding spot, but he was facing a man. It was a shadow man, half

june 23 2007

obscured in the milky mist. “RUN MILO RUN” I sprung to my feet and fled, not looking back. I was so perplexed at what had just transpired that I didn’t make out the back of the tent that I had come across previously and ran right into it. The cloth engulfed me and the men inside began shouting in confusion as the tent walls collapsed around them. I jumped out from the chaos and back into the woods. I took a quick glance back to catch the man at the table standing, peering in my direction. When I turned back around I slammed face first into a tree. I awoke terribly sore inside the first wooden tower we came across on the way to our camping site. It was still dark out so in my delirium I figured that I had sleepwalked here and had a terrible nightmare. I retraced my steps and reached our camp at the break of sunrise. Uncle Alex came out from his tent right as I was getting back in ours and asked what was up. I said I had come back from taking a leak. He asked if I had a good night’s sleep. I said I had a nightmare. Noah was still fast asleep so I got back into my sleeping bag to write down my dream. That’s when I noticed a fresh scar on my hand that had never been there before... right in the spot where the root had cut it in my nightmare. I checked my phone. One missed call to Noah, photos I don’t remember taking, and a new audio clip. It wasn’t a nightmare. That instant marked the second most terrifying moment of my entire life: realizing that the first moment was real.

camping

february 23 2007

February 23 2007
I’m running in a deep dark forest. There are towering trees surrounding me, taller than I’ve ever seen before. Something is definitely chasing me but I don’t dare turn around to see what it is. I hide behind a thick tree and catch my breath. I carve the eye symbol into the trunk with a spoon. Someone says my name behind me. I turn around to find a clearing. In the center illuminated by moonlight is a safe. It doesn’t look like Mom’s safe, it’s different. It has a knob, a keyhole, and buttons. Out of the shadows comes a man. It’s the dark version of me. He reaches his closed hand out to me, I reach mine. He drops something into my hand. It’s a key. It has a black plastic handle. I look up to the dark me, but I can’t speak. He lift’s his head up to look at the moon. Blood pours from a gash in his neck. I try to speak again and feel warmth run down my chest. Before I can touch my neck, I wake. The powers that be really want me to get into Mom’s safe. When she left for her secret meeting, I searched around the house. The alternate me wants me to find this key. I looked in all the spots I remember seeing keys, but all of them are full metal and none have that plastic top. I found one that was at least shaped similarly in the kitchen that I swore was for an old car, but I went into Mom’s room to try it on the safe. But there was no safe, only an imprint on the floor where a safe used to sit. I looked all over her room, all over the house, but there was nothing. I’m not sure what to make of the dream yet, but there’s

february 23 2007 - june 22 2007

gotta be something very important in there they want me to get my hands on. In better news, Noah called today and invited me over in June for a camping trip. I had money saved up for a Wii, but I’d much rather spend my time hanging with Noah for a few days instead of playing video games alone. I asked Mom for permission and she took a while to respond but eventually said sure and I booked my ticket immediately after. I just heard the whispers again. I tried to record it on my phone but it’s just some screechy feedback.

June 22 2007
After I went through the standard routine with my psychiatrist, I said goodbye to John and Mom and took a taxi to the airport. This was my first time flying on a plane on my own so I was a little nervous but it was less scary than I anticipated. There was this nice lady sitting next to me and we had a conversation about film making the whole flight. Noah and his dad picked me up and just being in their company lifted my spirits to a place they hadn’t been in a long while, cracking jokes and telling stories all the way back to Noah’s house. I’m glad I didn’t end up buying a Wii because Noah already had one and we played the new rerelease of Resident Evil 4, which was awesome. After that, we got our camping gear together and drove off to the campsite. This was also my first time ever camping. The prospect of being alone in the woods honestly gives me the creeps

june 22 2007

because I always have had nightmares of being chased through them and figured Mr. Slim was out for my blood. However, being with Noah and Uncle Alex made me feel really comfortable and safe so I was actually pretty excited to be amongst nature. We drove about 50 miles inland before we reached the parking lot. There were some deer grazing really close to us and I snapped a good pic of them. It was really hot but we had to walk along this trail the rest of the way to get to the campsite. I swore I saw someone in the trees, but Uncle Alex said that we’re not the only ones out here since there were other cars. We came across this wooden structure and Alex said he and his buddies used to play in it when he camped here back when he was a teen. There was more walking before we reached another wooden tower and he said that we were close. Finally, we made it to the campsite which really didn’t look all that different than any of the other clearings we passed. While Noah’s dad set up our tents, Noah and I chased some squirrels that were nearby and I got a really close up pic of one. It was starting to get dark so we lit a campfire and we roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows and cooked some beans. The fire we made was much better than last year, and it was just us so it felt even more special. While talking about it, the subject of Noah’s house fire came up. I asked to know more about it, since I

june 22 2007

barely knew anything about what went down and I could relate. Alex said that the fire happened on October 10th, 1998, and it was some sort of electrical deal or something like a short circuit that started due to some faulty wiring in their breaker box. Noah’s parents were out at a concert and he was left home with a babysitter. She was sleeping in front of the TV and the fumes knocked her out so she got burned really badly, but Noah was found unharmed by the firefighters sleeping in his room. Then Alex said that my Mom flew down immediately after to offer the family some aid, like the very next day.* I thought back to that time and vaguely recall her leaving for Florida in 1998, but only because she let me stay over at Kevin’s house that Friday. The thing is, I don’t think she ever mentioned anything about the fire until after she got back home. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and asked to be excused so I could go to bed. Why would she do that? There’s no legitimate reason I can think of. I know she had an ongoing feud with her sister over the way Karl treated her, but the fighting never got that bad. I don’t want to think she did it. But where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

*i don't remember much of the day of the fire back when i was 7, but mary did come down. she was so very kind to us, and we were so thankful at the time. it almost felt apologetic in retrospect.