capsize

november 8 2003

November 8 2003*
I slept in last night and had a vivid dream, but it was of a memory. For the longest time I had no memory of the boat incident other than fractured pieces, but last night it was like it all played back for me. We got on the private charter at noon and there was around 20 people. It was Mom and I, the Hendersons, the Maxwells, the Adlers, and a few others. We sailed around the harbor for a few hours and everything was fine until there was some screaming and a huge explosion that flipped the yacht on its side. I was inside playing with Will and Elizabeth and we were able to climb out before water filled up the cabin. We swam to shore to see that the boat had capsized and was smoking. The Adler Grandparents floated over on a life raft and Fred had to carry Steph because she couldn’t swim well. Aunt Jo was freaking out because Sam and Tommy were missing and Noah’s parents were calling out for Noah who was also missing along with both Grandpa Karl and Grandma Sonia. First, Sam emerged from the water with Tommy who wasn’t breathing. Someone came over and tried to give him CPR but it was too late and he died. They found Karl down the shore hanging on to Sonia’s life vest and a book. Everyone else was accounted for except Noah, Sonia, and the captain. She had drowned and washed up later that day. They had a search party that went late into the night. They found Noah washed up way down the shoreline that morning.

november 8 2003 - december 20 2003

When they found him I went over to him on the stretcher and he told me this strange thing**, “The truth lies within. The river's flow is where it begins. When the dawn breaks the soul awakens.” Everyone else made it out alright, but the captain’s body was never found. My mom accused Karl of saving his book instead of his wife and she kept yelling at him demanding that he tell her why he had her unfastened life vest. I just realized that I missed taking my pills last night.

December 20 2003
We don’t do that big family reunion party in New York anymore. After Cousin Tommy and Grandma Sonia died we only had one and it was mourning after their funerals. The whole family drifted apart after that. I never really knew my Grandma Sonia much, but I miss Tommy a lot. This time we flew to Florida because my stepdad has business here so  we got to visit Noah. He’s 12 now and is fun to hang out with every few years. Noah’s old house also burnt down like mine*** because of an electrical fire in 1998 and this is my third time hanging at his new house. He showed me around his neighborhood, we visited this boardwalk that they started building into a mangrove forest, and we went to some really nice beaches. Our

december 20 2003 - december 30 2003

moms still don’t like each other much because of disagreements about Grandpa Karl. My Mom says that he let their mom drown over a book but Noah’s mom says that he tried to save her but she slipped from her life vest and he lives with the guilt every day. My Mom always goes on about how her dad disowned her for no good reason in her youth and says he’s been senile ever since, only speaking German and shutting out the rest of the family. Sharon says that my Mom was the one who distanced herself because of her paranoia and it’s an argument that is never won between them. Uncle Alex always has to step in to stop it. Also, I saw someone outside of the window while we were playing N64. I thought it was Alex, but he was in the kitchen. I saw him a few times. A shadow cast on the blinds, a bit of black peeking out from behind a window, standing off in the distance outside late at night. I thought that Noah just had creepy neighbors.**** It didn’t really bother me until I came home and realized that I hadn’t been taking my medication. I was so excited that I totally forgot to bring them.

December 30 2003
It’s almost new years and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Looking back on this year, I’m starting to realize that I remember more when I don’t take my medication, just like I wrote about

december 30 2003

happening years ago. Other than the vitamin supplements, I take a blue oval tablet twice a day, a red round tablet once in the morning, and a black and white capsule once in the morning and once before bed at night. I don’t even know what they are called now that I think about it. I know one is for anxiety and stress, the other is to keep my schizophrenia at bay, and the capsule is some kind of antidepressant I’ve been taking for as long as I can remember since I was very small. I’ve never really felt the need to question what meds I take since they’ve been helping to keep me stable for so long, but when I don’t take them it starts to feel like I’ve only really felt this way about it because they’ve been blinding my brain somehow. So, if by chance what I wrote in this journal when I was younger holds water, I want to know who the hell this Henka person is, why he sold my drugs to my Mom, why we were even ever involved in occult shit to begin with, what exactly they had planned on doing with me behind closed doors, and why the fuck Mom has been hiding all of this shit from me for all these years.

*all i can remember was the explosion throwing me off the boat, not being able to swim, blacking out, and then waking up in the hospital with minor injuries.

**i had never known that i had said the truth lies within quote to milo until i read this entry. in fact, i had never even heard of it until i first found it written on a note card inside that box left at my door back in 2010. when firebrand mentioned it being meaningful in this video, i think he was hinting that he had a role in the boat incident. i'm pretty damn sure that the body of water shown behind his text was the harbor that we sailed out of. maybe he saved me.

***this was no coincidence. the truth from later entries is horrifying.

****i remember this visit because milo kept asking me why my neighbors were so nosy. he said that they kept peeking in at us while we played but i never saw anyone. this is when i first learned of milo's mental issues from my mom. but now after reading his journal, i don't think he ever truly had any.