Friday, March 30, 2018

infect

april 30 2004
April 30 2004
It has been 4 months since I stopped taking my meds and I feel completely different, like my mind is sharper and the thought fog has lifted. I feel bad that Mom still wastes money on them, but I can’t risk saying anything that would send me back to a psychiatric hospital. I’d honestly pay my allowance to stay off of the shit. I had a confusing nightmare last night. The shadow person with the dot eyes who looks like an older Noah was playing chess with me in my room. There was a loud banging at the door and I knew that there was something evil on the other side. “Open the fucking door!” this monstrous voice boomed. He looked at me as if to say, “What are you going to do?” and I shook my head in fear. He then took my journal, put it up against the door, and drew a symbol in it, the same eye symbol that Mom has on her hand that I’ve seen so much in my dreams. As he drew I heard these words in my head, “PRAESIDIUM ADVERSUS EGOTISTICUS”. The knocking stopped. He handed me the journal and said “You have to mean it” and the next thing I knew, I was in my room but it was completely bare empty. I couldn’t see anything and someone was chasing me in the darkness. I ran into shadow Noah again. He had a briefcase. Suddenly, from behind him appeared who had been chasing me. There he was. The big man. From what I could make out he was exactly like I had described, an unnaturally tall man wearing a business suit with a blank face. Shadow Noah smirked at him, holding up a book that I knew belonged to Karl. I felt the tension in the room build at this like it was some kind of snide power move. Noah looked back at me and pointed
april 30 2004
to the front door, which opened. Someone was standing there but I woke up before I could make them out. I blinked and I was awake, standing at my window. In my delirium I saw someone behind the big tree in the neighbor’s front yard. There was a flash of light and they ran down the road. I’m not sure if that was a dream too, because when I blinked again it was morning and I was back in bed. I’ve never had such vivid dreams before, and I’m pretty sure a bunch of them are memories straight out of the old entries. I’ve been rereading and reevaluating everything I wrote down over 7 years ago with new eyes. I don’t know if I’m going off the deep end or if all of this scary stuff actually happened.
may 24 2004
May 24 2004
At school today I looked up those words from my dream on the library computer and they mean “protection against selfish” in Latin. I was reminded of those odd words that the Ouija board had spelled out years ago, so I tried looking them up too. Ephemeris means diary, Occultatum means hidden, Esuriens means hungry, and Undique means everywhere. So, a diary was talking to Kevin and I saying that my Dad was hidden and the big man was hungry and everywhere. Was it you who was talking to us, Journal? What did you mean by hidden? Because hidden doesn’t mean dead. I had to know if Kevin remembered anything. At lunch I asked him if he remembers back in elementary school when we played with a Ouija board together. He says he doesn’t remember that. He remembers the Dr. Seuss assignment we worked on and me breaking a glass, but now he tells me that he’s never owned a Ouija board. My memories of that time are coming back now and I’m certain what happened was not a dream or a hallucination. I don’t think he’s lying to me and I don’t think he remembers anything either, but it freaks me out how much Kevin has changed since that night. He used to be real bubbly and friendly but he got quieter and distant going into middle school. We hung out less and less and when we did we played less and now it’s a miracle if we ever get to hang out. It feels like my best friend morphed into a different person overnight. I can’t be completely upset because his grades really started improving. I’m really proud of him because he used to be so sad that he couldn’t get any A’s... and now he’s getting higher grades than I am.
may 24 2004
He says he got meds to fix his ADHD and his mom got him a tutor in middle school that really clicked with him. While I’m happy for him, I can’t shake the feeling now that I’m responsible for the change. Maybe I really did infect him with something by just being close friends. But how can something that’s supposed to only be in my head infect someone else’s life? Between Mom’s lies, memories connecting to my past writings, and all this paranormal shit, I’m starting to believe in the impossible. Who knows, maybe Dad is actually out there somewhere. If I live in a world where a supernatural being in a business suit can exist, a book can communicate to me through a spirit board, and they can make a second Shrek movie, then I’m damn well allowed to believe that there’s a chance that my Dad can still be alive.

Monday, March 26, 2018

dishonest

january 5 2004
January 5 2004
I had a dream about Dad. He was pushing me on a swing at the park and I fell and scraped my knee. Then we got ice cream and he told me he had money in the bank saved up for my college fund. I woke up on the floor. Whenever I dream about Dad, I’m never sure if I’m making up a dream or recalling an early memory because I was too young to remember him. Mom lets me know if she remembers the events happening but she said that she doesn’t remember me scraping my knee and said Dad never got around to setting up that fund because of the fire. Then again, I don’t remember seeing her in the dream so who knows if it actually happened. Not to mention, a lot of things that Mom says don’t add up. I once had this vivid dream that we all went to Disney World for a week but Mom insists we’ve never went. We even used to have a Mickey Mouse glass I remember us buying in the cupboard but Mom said it was a gift from a friend. She broke it a few years ago. When she says goodnight, she doesn’t go to sleep right away. Many times I overhear her talk to this person late into the night. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, so I don’t think it’s John. I had written about it too. Sometimes she even talks in a different language, sometimes I hear her writing down stuff,
january 5 2004 - january 30 2004
other times I hear her mentioning me, people in our family, and strange things that I’ve found in my old entries like sessions and birthrights. I’m pretty sure I actually heard her say Mr. Slim once. I always figured she was talking to someone from her PTA meetings. Tonight I put my ear to her door and heard her say, “Danke Henka”. I used to think it was just a German greeting, but now I know that Henka is the name of the skull man from my childhood visions. That’s not a common name I don’t think. Is he real? Who is this person? I can’t ask Mom because she can’t know that I have you and I can’t just say my memory suddenly returned because I’ve been thinking... what if these pills are meant to block my memories? What if it’s not just a side effect? If I start mentioning random stuff from years ago, would she suspect I’m not taking my meds? I’m really anxious now because what if there’s more to those delusions I had as a little kid? Maybe I’m just overthinking junk, but I really hope she isn’t cheating on John with someone else. John is a good stepdad and I love him.

January 30 2004
Something really weird happened today. Mom went to her weekly PTA meeting and came home just like she usually does, but during dinner someone called late. John picked up and said it was for Mom. She ran
january 30 2004
with the phone to the kitchen and we heard her say, “Eating dinner, why? Emergency? What’s the emergency? Emergency meeting? Ok ok, alright. I’ll be there.” She said she there was an urgent budgetary issue that couldn’t wait until next Friday and she rushed out without finishing dinner. John mumbled something about how Mom cares more about the welfare of the PTA than the family sometimes. As the PTA’s treasurer she said she works hard with money, keeping records and preparing reports. What was really weird about it is that last week I was talking to Kevin and the PTA came up in conversation. He said his mom is a part of it too. I asked what he did on Fridays when his mom is out but he said she never goes out to any meetings on Friday. He says they meet Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figured this was because his mom didn’t have an important role like treasurer, but something about Mom leaving suddenly at night felt extra weird, especially after seeing what my younger self wrote about. She came back at midnight and said that she fixed the error and that everything was sorted out. I really want to believe that but the more I’m off my meds, the more I feel that Mom is being dishonest. I still love her but I want to know the truth. Also, I just woke up in the bathtub before writing this. I think I’m starting to sleepwalk. This is the third time I’ve woken up in a random place. I’ve been hearing noises outside my window more too. It’s still difficult to tell what is real sometimes.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

capsize

november 8 2003
November 8 2003*
I slept in last night and had a vivid dream, but it was of a memory. For the longest time I had no memory of the boat incident other than fractured pieces, but last night it was like it all played back for me. We got on the private charter at noon and there was around 20 people. It was Mom and I, the Hendersons, the Maxwells, the Adlers, and a few others. We sailed around the harbor for a few hours and everything was fine until there was some screaming and a huge explosion that flipped the yacht on its side. I was inside playing with Will and Elizabeth and we were able to climb out before water filled up the cabin. We swam to shore to see that the boat had capsized and was smoking. The Adler Grandparents floated over on a life raft and Fred had to carry Steph because she couldn’t swim well. Aunt Jo was freaking out because Sam and Tommy were missing and Noah’s parents were calling out for Noah who was also missing along with both Grandpa Karl and Grandma Sonia. First, Sam emerged from the water with Tommy who wasn’t breathing. Someone came over and tried to give him CPR but it was too late and he died. They found Karl down the shore hanging on to Sonia’s life vest and a book. Everyone else was accounted for except Noah, Sonia, and the captain. She had drowned and washed up later that day. They had a search party that went late into the night. They found Noah washed up way down the shoreline that morning.
november 8 2003 - december 20 2003
When they found him I went over to him on the stretcher and he told me this strange thing**, “The truth lies within. The river's flow is where it begins. When the dawn breaks the soul awakens.” Everyone else made it out alright, but the captain’s body was never found. My mom accused Karl of saving his book instead of his wife and she kept yelling at him demanding that he tell her why he had her unfastened life vest. I just realized that I missed taking my pills last night.

December 20 2003
We don’t do that big family reunion party in New York anymore. After Cousin Tommy and Grandma Sonia died we only had one and it was mourning after their funerals. The whole family drifted apart after that. I never really knew my Grandma Sonia much, but I miss Tommy a lot. This time we flew to Florida because my stepdad has business here so  we got to visit Noah. He’s 12 now and is fun to hang out with every few years. Noah’s old house also burnt down like mine*** because of an electrical fire in 1998 and this is my third time hanging at his new house. He showed me around his neighborhood, we visited this boardwalk that they started building into a mangrove forest, and we went to some really nice beaches. Our
december 20 2003 - december 30 2003
moms still don’t like each other much because of disagreements about Grandpa Karl. My Mom says that he let their mom drown over a book but Noah’s mom says that he tried to save her but she slipped from her life vest and he lives with the guilt every day. My Mom always goes on about how her dad disowned her for no good reason in her youth and says he’s been senile ever since, only speaking German and shutting out the rest of the family. Sharon says that my Mom was the one who distanced herself because of her paranoia and it’s an argument that is never won between them. Uncle Alex always has to step in to stop it. Also, I saw someone outside of the window while we were playing N64. I thought it was Alex, but he was in the kitchen. I saw him a few times. A shadow cast on the blinds, a bit of black peeking out from behind a window, standing off in the distance outside late at night. I thought that Noah just had creepy neighbors.**** It didn’t really bother me until I came home and realized that I hadn’t been taking my medication. I was so excited that I totally forgot to bring them.

December 30 2003
It’s almost new years and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Looking back on this year, I’m starting to realize that I remember more when I don’t take my medication, just like I wrote about
december 30 2003
happening years ago. Other than the vitamin supplements, I take a blue oval tablet twice a day, a red round tablet once in the morning, and a black and white capsule once in the morning and once before bed at night. I don’t even know what they are called now that I think about it. I know one is for anxiety and stress, the other is to keep my schizophrenia at bay, and the capsule is some kind of antidepressant I’ve been taking for as long as I can remember since I was very small. I’ve never really felt the need to question what meds I take since they’ve been helping to keep me stable for so long, but when I don’t take them it starts to feel like I’ve only really felt this way about it because they’ve been blinding my brain somehow. So, if by chance what I wrote in this journal when I was younger holds water, I want to know who the hell this Henka person is, why he sold my drugs to my Mom, why we were even ever involved in occult shit to begin with, what exactly they had planned on doing with me behind closed doors, and why the fuck Mom has been hiding all of this shit from me for all these years.
*all i can remember was the explosion throwing me off the boat, not being able to swim, blacking out, and then waking up in the hospital with minor injuries.

**i had never known that i had said the truth lies within quote to milo until i read this entry. in fact, i had never even heard of it until i first found it written on a note card inside that box left at my door back in 2010. when firebrand mentioned it being meaningful in this video, i think he was hinting that he had a role in the boat incident. i'm pretty damn sure that the body of water shown behind his text was the harbor that we sailed out of. maybe he saved me.

***this was no coincidence. the truth from later entries is horrifying.

****i remember this visit because milo kept asking me why my neighbors were so nosy. he said that they kept peeking in at us while we played but i never saw anyone. this is when i first learned of milo's mental issues from my mom. but now after reading his journal, i don't think he ever truly had any.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

scar

september 19 2003
September 19 2003
I might as well update you on my life. I’m 15 now and I just started high school. I still have Oscar and I’m still friends with Kevin. We’ve been friends through middle school but he’s one of my only friends. I’m still not too good at making friends. I tend to stay inside and read or play video games. I’ve been mentally stable since I had a psychotic break from not taking my medication and spent a week in an institution a few years ago. Mom works as a receptionist at the bank, is treasurer of the school’s PTA, and has started dating a man named John Fletcher for a few months now. He used to be a repair man but now he works for some law firm. I went to the flea market with Kevin and found a black diary with a lock on it that looks exactly the same as mine except the lock is a bit squarer. I don’t think Mom will notice if I replace my journal with it. There’s this hidden panel in my closet that I keep secret stuff that Mom doesn’t know about so that’s where I’m storing you. I really could have just started writing in that new journal but I think I was meant to find you and that I should continue writing in here. I feel a weird connection to this journal. It feels like it’s a part of me.
october 3 2003
October 3 2003
My Mom has always been different than other moms. She’s very paranoid and secretive about everyday things. She said she’s been this way ever since Dad died. There’s things that she still doesn’t want to talk about, like the scar on her right palm that looks like an eye or something. It kinda looks too perfect to be a wound. Today my stepdad brought it up at dinner and she went silent for the rest of the meal. Maybe she got it during our house fire and she cut it to make it look nicer, like covering up a bad tattoo with a cooler one? Do they even do that with scars? Anyway, she refuses to tell how it happened, she gets all teary eyed. One time she said it was some painful memory. I’m starting to think she lost it and cut herself after Robert died since she blames herself for his death. Sometimes I feel so bad for her, like she’s one freak out away from just breaking and I wonder why she isn’t taking anything like me. I love her but she’s so very stubborn, and just as guarded. I still don’t really know what she does at the PTA meetings every Friday. She always says they work on school projects, but I never hear anything more about them. Speaking of meds, she also refuses to take any pill ever. Whenever she gets sick or the flu, she just rides it out. Sometimes she stares out the window for hours. She’s just very suspicious about everything. It's sad.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

found

six years pass.
 
september 16 2003
September 16 2003
Well hello there, Journal. It’s Milo and today I’ve found you! What a neat birthday present! I just turned 15 today. I almost forgot you even existed. I remember that nice doctor giving me a journal waaay back and the last time I recalled having it was sometime before the boat accident. Everything else in between is a blur, but I do remember looking everywhere trying to find you and giving up because I thought you were lost forever. I only found you because of this dream I had where a shadow version of myself led me into Mom’s room and opened her safe. It showed me the combo. When she went out to get groceries today I opened the safe and found you inside! So now I’m reading all of these entries I wrote from 6 years ago and I’m shocked because don’t remember most of it. And it’s all really creepy. I’ve never sleepwalked, I don’t know of a freaky book club, and I’ve never seen any weird big man. I’m pretty sure I made that stuff up when I was a mental kid and I just don’t remember because of the drugs I’ve been taking, but I’m noticing some familiar dreams and odd similarities. Mom does go out every Friday for PTA meetings, I have this unexplainable feeling that I’m being watched all the time, and sometimes I have these recurring dreams of shadow people that look like people I know.
september 16 2003
My therapist says that they’re negative emotions manifesting themselves as beings, but there have been times that they show me things I couldn’t have known and I wonder if they’re some kind of premonitions. I mean, how was I able to open a locked safe I never even knew the combination to? Weird! There’s some pretty weird stuff in here about Mom too. I don’t remember her having all these affairs. Mom told me that I was diagnosed with a form of childhood schizophrenia when I was younger where I had these crazy fantasies and visions of situations that never happened and people who weren’t really there. They gave me some special medication that fixed my brain but, they say I have to keep taking it or else my mental condition will just get worse. I’ve been mostly fine for years but sometimes I have these blackout episodes where I don’t remember the day. I’ve been taking supplements for those memory issues and I’m doing fine. Even though a lot of my memory of that time just went away, I remember having a happy childhood. Maybe I suppressed all the visions? Maybe the affairs too? What else have I repressed? What I’m really wondering is why Mom kept it locked away. Maybe she thought confronting my old delusions would be traumatic for me. I sure had crazy imagination. I’m not even sure why I’m writing in here now. I guess it feels good to write down my thoughts. Maybe I’ll keep writing. It’s nice too meet you again but for now, back in the safe with you. Mom can’t know.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

boat

january 24 1997 - january 27 1997
January 24 1997
Had a really real dream about a dead fox with its eyes popped out. A repair man came over today to fix the TV. I’ve never seen him before but Mommy calls him Mr. Fletcher and she said he used to be friends with Daddy. I asked him about Daddy and he told me some funny stories of when they were in college. I love hearing stories about Daddy even though they make me sad. He fixed our TV and since he had time we played some chess together since I know how to play now! I really like him because he feels like a real daddy and not some random man. I had my door open a crack and I saw Mommy and Mr. Fletcher kissing before he left. I was excited but also scared so I told Mommy that I like him and don’t kiss other guys because I don’t want him going away like the others. She said ok but I hope she means it. When she left for book club I remembered a dream I had where the dark me led me into Mommy’s room where I’m not suppose to go. In the closet was a safe with buttons. I tried 5 12 30 but the combination is more numbers. I wish I could get in. I think that Mommy is hiding more from me and I don’t like it.
february 7 1997
February 7 1997
Today was the big day when I got inducted into the book club! Mommy called me out of school and we drove south for 5 hours to this old abandoned hospital lit by tons of candles. I wanted to speak to the skull man but first they wanted me to write the full club book again because it was tradition but they just teached me what was in it because I don’t write fast and we wouldn’t have time. There are just 3 laws instead of 10 like the bible. Secrecy Submission and Remembrance. We have to hide our identities from the outside world we have to submit to the club’s goals to better mankind and we have to study the truth that’s in the book. They say the big man promises immortality for us all in the fourth world. They said I was special because I am one of the few to ever have seen God. I had to say all these weird phrases like the poems the girl said but they were different poems. After that they gave me a mask and we drank a potion and they sang a song. When the big ceremony was over Mommy took me down a long hallway to another room. The skull man was there and she shut the door behind us. We were alone and I sat down across a table from him. He had a raspy old voice and a
february 7 1997
funny accent like Grandpa. He said I was allowed to ask him 3 questions but I can’t speak to anyone else about the answers not even Mommy. I asked why I was I chosen by Gorr'Rylaehotep. He said since I was born I was chosen for a divine mission to complete the great session because my blood is sacred and it is my birthright. He said that my Grandpa has a holy relic that a harbinger stole from God long ago but he doesn’t want to give it up and I am destined to retrieve it for him. He said I already know what it is from my dreams. I said the leather book and he said yes and that it is magical. I asked when will I be healed and he said once the book is rightfully returned to God. I didn’t know what else to ask because the black book answered a lot and I was nervous so I asked why he wears a skull mask and he said because it proves his covenant with God. I thanked the skull man and he said call me Henka.* Before we left Henka gave Mommy a box and she gave him some cash and we left. I knew the sound that the box made. My pills made that sound. When we walked to the parking lot people were dressed in normal clothes and I saw people I knew. I saw Johnathan from down the road and his wife.
february 7 1997 - february 8 1997
I saw the post office woman and her daughter and also the manager from the Mcdonalds near my house. Mr. Lindell the police man from our town was there because I know his car and I think I even saw Mr. Darvil because of his hair. I guess they keep good secrets. Mommy said she was proud of me again and I love you. I said I love you too. It felt good.

February 8 1997
Tomorrow we are going on the big boat trip. I found out it’s not just a big reunion but a party for Grandpa. Aunt Sharon told Mommy that we owe a lot to Grandpa Karl for getting the family into America after the war so for his 70 birthday she rented a private yaht with a captain and food service and everything to celebrate him. I guess Mommy and Grandpa still don’t like each other so I hope there is no fighting. The whole family is going to be there! Mommy said that along with Grandpa and Grandma going Noah and his parents will be coming. Also Aunt Jo and Tommy will
february 8 1997
be there and the Adler family too. Kevin wants to come but he can’t because the boat can only hold a number of people. I want to bring Oscar to show Noah and Tommy but he’d probably be afraid of the water and I don’t want to scare him. I’m really excited! I’ve never been on a boat before but I’ve read some books about sailing so I’m gonna pretend I’m a Navy sailor fighting in the war like Grandpa or a pirate searching for buried treasure. I hope I don’t get sea sick because I get car sick a lot or when I fly in a plane I feel like I’m gonna throw up. If Grandpa brings the magic book I might try to take it when he isn’t looking so I can give it to Mr. Gorr'Rylaehotep and be healed. I think Grandpa takes it wherever he goes because he’s guarding it. We are celebrating Grandpa but I’m not sure if he is a good man for keeping God’s stuff away from him for so long. I was so close before I should have just taken it and ran but I didn’t know how important it was. But I could feel the power when I held it. I forgot to ask Henka what’s gonna happen once it’s returned and if I will keep seeing Mr. Slim. I’ll ask him at the next book club.
*deadhead

Saturday, March 10, 2018

contagious

january 1 1997 - january 3 1997
January 1 1997
Aunt Jo told Mommy that I had sleep walked outside and we went to the doctor. Mommy found out I was throwing out my pills because the doctor made me fess up. When we got in the car Mommy smacked me. She said that she’s spending so much money to get me those pills and how do I expect to get better if I don’t take them. I said the book club magic will heal me and she yelled and said one won’t work without the other. I think I’m going to start taking the pills again. I want to stop sleep walking and I don’t want anyone else to get sick. I think what I have is contagious.

January 3 1997
Because we’re not in Alabama I thought we weren’t going to go to book club today but I forgot there is a book club up here too. We went into New Jersey and drove at night to a park where we met more hood people that asked me the same questions as down south. They say that I am chosen and that I will help them reach something called godhood. I read some more of the weird black book which is like a bible. I guess they are a book club after all since they follow this one book. I guess church is like a book club too then. I asked about Mr. Slim and they seemed to know more and pointed to parts of the book. They say
january 3 1997 - january 13 1997
the big man is called Gore Eye Layotep and he is a God and we are his children. I must be special if I am the only one who can see God! This must be what it’s like to be one of the popular kids at school. They made me copy the whole book by hand to prepare me for being a member but I didn’t finish because it was long. Mommy said that I’m going to be inducted next month back in Alabama because someone else is already getting inducted here. It was a teenage girl. A new man showed up with a fancy robe and started a ceremony with candles. She recited a poem and was given a mask. On the way home Mommy said that aunt Sharon is having a boat trip soon to get the family closer together. Mommy doesn’t want to go because she has problems with aunt Sharon and grandpa Karl but I really want to go because it sounds like fun and I’ve never been on a boat before.

January 13 1997
I went back to school today. I haven’t seen the man since I have been taking the pills which

january 13 1997 - january 23 1997
is good but I feel fuzzy in the head again. Kevin seemed like his old self showing me the new comics he got but he kept asking about my Grandpa. I said I didn’t see him and he seemed upset. He didn’t ask about the big man or the club. I hope he just forgot about it all. I wonder when they will perform the magic healing spells on me. I had a reoccurring dream where my house was empty and I saw a dark man who looked like me but older holding his neck and I felt a scar on my neck. I think the dark people are shadows of us from another dimension. I’ve seen Kevin Noah Grandpa Mommy and Me. Oh and the skull mask man from book club. I don’t know who the other mask man is. Is he from the book club too? His mask looks different so I don’t know but I think it was the one from Grandpa’s safe.