slipped

july 9 2004

July 9 2004
I made the decision today to go back into Mom’s safe to see what else she’s been hiding from me. I need to know what she’s really been doing because getting stuck in these thought loops has driven me to take the anxiety tablet, which actually seems to work and calms me down. When I replaced you in the safe with the decoy, I saw several folders of documents inside as well. After camp when Mom went to her “PTA meeting”, I picked the lock to her room again and tried to open the safe. But the combination didn’t work. I know I’m entering it right because I wrote the numbers down in case I forgot. I think she changed it, which freaks me out. It’s been nearly a year, but why would she change her safe combo? I have a feeling that she knows I’ve been snooping in it. Now I guess I’ll have to wait for my shadow self to show me the code again. Either way, I can’t look at Mom the same way after going to the doctor. At dinner we got into an argument about money being tight. I suggested that I should stop taking my pills because they’re expensive and I’m doing a lot better now so I feel that I can get off of them and save us cash. Mom was insistent that I keep taking them and threatened that if I don’t she’ll send me back to the psych ward because she won’t risk another psychotic break. John didn’t know what had happened so she told him

july 9 2004

to prove her point. A few years back in 2001, I hadn’t taken my meds for a week or two and one night I woke up from a fugue state pressing a knife up to Mom’s throat. She freaked and sent me to the mental hospital. They said this happened because I was off my meds, so they upped my dose. This all made John really uneasy and he said I should probably keep taking them, just in case. I was so angry but I said sure thing just to keep the argument from escalating and we kept eating. But I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I was so caught up in my frustrated thoughts that my tongue slipped. Mom asked John how work was today, then she asked me how camp was, and after I asked Mom how book club went. I wasn’t thinking and it just came out, like it was something I had used to ask her routinely when I was younger. I corrected myself saying I meant PTA meeting, but it was too late. Mom hid it well, but I could see something in her expression change. She said that the meeting went well, but then barely spoke for the rest of the meal. I’m terrified now that she knows I’m on to her. She’s neurotic as hell, but she isn’t dumb. I just know she knows that I’m awake now. I have to play it extra safe around her now that she probably figures that I’m aware of the heaps of lies she’s built

july 9 2004

our family on for years. She either knows that I haven’t been taking those capsules, that I’ve been peeping in her safe, that I have this journal back, or all three. And who knows what other damning shit she thinks I know since I had access to those records. I should have fucking read them when I had the chance. What if they have information about Dad? What if Mom had lied abo