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| october 20 2006 |
October 20 2006
I’m forced to live a lie and act like a zombie to be safe, but I guess that’s my life now. I was trapped for years inside my head, but I had awareness. I’m able to recall how I acted day to day so I can mimic drugged me to a T. I’ve gotten used to the routine and done my best to act as I did before my awakening. I’ve since graduated from high school and I’ve gotten a job at the local library to save up for college. Once I get enough cash to move out, I’m going to try to go into filmmaking. I’ve also gotten my own cell phone now. I don’t use it much, other than talking to Noah and Kevin sometimes. I think Mom only got it for me because the family plan is cheapest. I’ve been unsure about what to do now, given my current situation. I’ve considered running away, but after some thinking I’ve decided to maintain this facade for as long as I can until I can get some solid dirt on Mom to bust her. I can’t let her get away with what she’s done and what she’s still fucking doing. She still gives me the black and white capsules to take, but I’ve gotten really good at palming them. Sometimes I have to swallow them because she has her eye on me. I’ve noticed she asks me a question right after so she can hear me talk and make sure I’m not hiding it under my tongue. I dissolved one in vinegar since I learned back in Bio Lab that it has a similar pH as stomach acid, and it takes around 15 mins to dissolve so I know how much time I have to vomit. I’ve lost some weight due to this, but late
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| october 20 2006 - october 31 2006 |
night ramen helps. I’ve been collecting the caps in my hiding spot as evidence for when the right time comes. It’s been over month now since I’ve taken one and I no longer feel hazy. The only noticeable difference is this cough I get when I don’t take it. I’m recalling now that it has always followed going cold turkey from that capsule. OTC cough meds and throat lozenges are like candy to me now. I still take the blue pill, which I’ve identified as a benzo, because it actually help to quell my anxiety, but not the red one because they make me too drowsy and I’m pretty damn sure that I don’t have schizophrenia. I’m almost certain now that the beings I can see are real and any psychotic behavior I’ve ever had has been a direct result of them, not a neurological imbalance. I’ve not taken that tablet for long periods of time in the past without any psychotic episodes and I don’t think an antipsychotic chemical can stop their influence. I’m still hearing voices, but now I know they’re real. I can’t explain any of it concretely, but the entries and what I’m able to remember is honestly all the evidence I need to prove it to myself.
October 31 2006
What a fitting day for such a horrifying memory to return. I remember what happened after Mom came into my room that night and knocked me out. It all came to me in pieces after seeing John take out the trash today. I recall waking up in my
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| october 31 2006 |
bed that night nearly paralyzed with Mom looming over me like a vulture on prey. I kept thinking that my spell didn’t work and it was all over. The most movement I could muster as she forced me to swallow a capsule was blinking and moving my head a bit. “Who is Mr. Scars?” she was shouting at me over and over. I tried to say, “I don’t know,” but it just came out as gibberish. She said I was grounded and that I wasn’t going to see Noah that year if I don’t tell her.* She also told me that if I tell John anything to jeopardize their relationship she’ll ship me off to the institute. She was on the phone a lot, pacing around the house. I remember John coming home from work and feeding me soup the next day saying, “You’re gonna get over this flu in no time, pal.” Mom made the poor bastard clean up after me. I remember her looking all over my room multiple times. She changed her tone, “Honey, where’s your journal?” I didn’t respond. I stared right past her. I figured, since she made me a vegetable then that’s exactly what I’ll be. Then, on the third day, she found it behind the dresser. I felt so helpless and cloudy seeing her hold what is essentially my only connection to my past memories, first hand evidence of her crimes, and all the truth I had come to discover. She held my mind in her hands. But, she couldn’t open it without the key. “Where’s the key, Honey?” When I ignored her again, she went to get these big wire cutters that John had from his repair man days. Just when she was about to
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| october 31 2006 |
clamp down, she stopped and broke down sobbing. She threw the journal across the room and shouted, “Shut up!” I managed to say my first words. “Mom...” She looked at me with those red, shiny eyes. “...please don’t erase me.” She came over and hugged me, crying into my shoulder. I cried too. I distinctly remember her saying, “I’m so sorry baby, this is the only way to stop this.” Then she got a call on her cell phone. She spoke German to someone briefly. When she hung up, she stared at me for a good minute or two. I could tell she was conflicted, unsure what to do next. There was a noise outside that broke her from her pensive trance. She snatched up the journal and rushed out of the room. I heard a rustling of plastic before she ran out the door shouting, “Wait! Wait!” I was able to turn my head to my window in time to see the garbage truck turn the street corner. I was overcome with profound sadness and I cried, but at the time I wasn’t sure why I was crying. The caps were doing their job. I remember asking when she came back to my room, “What’s my temperature?” as I figured that I had the flu. Each day after I was given those caps, my sense of self became fuzzier and weaker. I think I was in bed for a week before regaining my motor skills and going back to camp. I didn’t pop back into streamline consciousness until I was on the bus with Kevin. I felt deeply confused because I still felt all that sadness and anger inside me... but I didn’t know why.
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| october 31 2006 |
The next day, I was having bad stomach pains and had to run to the bathroom during 4th period. I had bloody diarrhea and felt something solid snake its way out my ass. I thought it was a tapeworm, so I yanked it out. There was something metallic and sharp on the end covered in shit so I went to the sink to clean it off. I realized it wasn’t a tapeworm at all, but a little key on a string. I put it in a little baggy that I got from lunch because I couldn’t get the damn smell out. When I got home, I was struck with that same sensation I had felt when I found the journal. Something came over me and I went into my closet, opened my hiding spot, put the key in my box of secret treasures, and closed it all up. As soon as I left the closet, I had completely forgot what I had just done and was left again very confused. All I could make out inside me was this vague sense of deja vu. I’m unsure if shadow Noah’s incantation was successful or not, but somehow... after all this time you found your way back to me. How did you do it, journal? Who helped you? I swore I just heard a whisper. I heard “cousin”.
*milo didn’t visit me in 2004 or 2005. mary told my mom that he was “busy with work”. we still spoke on the phone every so often and had general conversations about games and stuff. sometimes we would make up stories together, but he barely ever went into his personal life other than saying he was doing well.
