safe

december 25 1996

December 25 1996
It’s Christmas. I’m in New York now at the family reunion party. Not many people came this time. Grandpa and Grandma are not here because I think Grandpa is still in trouble but aunt Jo and cousin Tommy are here this time. She is Daddy’s sister and she told me stories of how Daddy and her grew up together. Tommy is a really cool 9 year old. He showed me how to play chess and he’s really good at it. Noah is here too and we built houses with legos. Noah’s mommy and my mommy don’t get along. They started yelling at each other about a boat during dinner when aunt Sharon brought up how she got a great deal on a rental and uncle Alex had to break it up. Also something was weird with Kevin before I left. He really wanted to come to New York with me. He didn’t care much last year but now he said he wanted to meet my family. He said he wanted to meet my Grandpa because he’s really into World War 2 stuff now. I saw Mr. Slim watching us play through the second floor window. I ignored him but the entry I don’t remember scares me a lot. I hope Kevin is ok.

december 27 1996

December 27 1996
I woke up at Grandpa’s house again like last time. I tip toed around and heard snoring. Grandpa and Grandma were both sleeping in bed. I don’t think Grandpa kidnapped me. I think I sleep walked there somehow. I don’t know how I got inside but I did. I remembered the house from my dreams so I found a flashlight in a kitchen drawer and I went to check all of Grandpa’s hiding spots that I was showed. The door I went into last year didn’t have the box. There was nothing in the spice drawer. The guest room closet was empty. The last hiding spot was in the basement. It was scary but I felt safe because I couldn’t feel Mr. Slim looking at me at all. I looked behind a water tank and there was a big old safe with a dial. I couldn’t open it but I remembered that the dark man had told me 5 12 30 so I tried those numbers and the safe opened! The weird box from last year was there. Inside it was some junk. A big knife a mask and bag with numbers. In the bag was an old leather book. It was the same one that I saw Grandpa carrying last year that was in my dreams. I untied the book and the front cover had the name Sebastian Kraus crossed out and Karl Maxwell written in below. In the book was a bunch of scribbly handwriting that I could not read. At the end of the book there was something

december 27 1996

there that reminded me of Mr. Slim because I felt him as soon as I saw it. Then I saw someone standing in the darkness. It was Grandpa. But it was the dark one. He was holding up a frying pan and he dropped it and it made a big noise. I put everything back the way it was and he was gone. I saw a light turn on upstairs and yelling so I climbed out of the basement window and ran down the street and hid in some bushes for a while. Then I walked for a long time and a car drove up next to me and the driver asked if I needed a ride. I said no thanks because I’m not suppose to talk to strangers but he said my name and that he was a taxi driver that was sent to pick me up. It was really cold and raining so I got in the car and he gave me a jacket. He didn’t say anything and I couldn’t see his face because he had a scarf over his mouth and big glasses and it was dark. He dropped me off at aunt Jo’s house where I had gone to sleep. I said I didn’t have any money to pay him but he said that I had already paid and drove off. It didn’t look like a taxi at all. I’m very confused but I’m not telling anyone what happened.

seance

december 8 1996

December 8 1996
Our reading report is due in a week so I slept over at Kevin’s house. We went to the market to get groceries and we saw his daddy who is a butcher. That night after we did some work on our reading report Kevin brought out a board game called Ouija. People use it to talk to dead people by moving a glass over letters and numbers. I was scared but Kevin told me he’s done it tons of times and it’s safe if you do it right so I trusted him. We first tried to talk to his dead grandma Beth. He asked if she was with us and the glass we touched moved to yes. I think Kevin was moving it but I played along. It was my turn so I asked the board if my Daddy Robert was with us. Nothing happened. Kevin said to ask it something else so I asked how did he die because I never told Kevin about the house fire. The glass moved and spelled out something that I wrote down.

H E L I V E S

I felt a chill in my spine. The big man was watching us. I told Kevin that it wasn’t funny but he said it wasn’t him it was the spirits. I said I wasn’t feeling good so we thanked the board and went to bed. We’ve only visited Daddy’s grave once. I hope the spirits are not lying like Mommy.

december 15 1996

December 15 1996
I was thinking about what the board said all week. Maybe Daddy survived and is alive somewhere. I wanted to ask the spirits more. Because we didn’t finish our reading report I stayed over at Kevin’s house again. After we finished it I asked him if we could ask the Ouija more and he said ok. He took it out and we lit candles this time. Kevin asked if there was anyone with us and the board said yes. He asked who and it said

E P H E M E R I S

I asked where is my Daddy? The board spelled out

O C C U L T A T U M

We didn’t know what that word meant. Then Kevin asked what is the big man? I told him no don’t ask it that but the glass moved.

E S U R I E N S

I felt him looking now. I told Kevin we gotta stop talking about him but he kept moving the glass by himself really fast and I wrote down the letters. He asked where is the big man now?

U N D I Q U E

Kevin looked different. He was smiling big and weird. He looked like one of the dark men from my dreams. He said can we see him now and the board started spelling something but I hit the glass away and shouted STOP at him and then the candles blew out.

december 15 1996 - december 16 1996

I took a match and lit it. Kevin asked what was wrong. Mr. Slim was behind him. His arms wrapped around him and I screamed. I ran out the back door and into the bath room where I’m writing this right now. My nose won’t stop bleeding. I think I got Kevin sick. I’m so sorry Kevin please forgive me.

December 16 1996
I woke up in the bathroom when the door was kicked in. It was Kevin and his daddy. They said I broke a glass and locked myself in the bathroom last night but I don’t remember anything after we finished the report. I don’t remember writing the last entry at all. Kevin seems fine but he said we just watched cartoons and went to bed. There was no nose blood either. I don’t know if I should take the pills or not anymore. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. We presented our reading report at school and got a B. When I got home Mommy said that we’re going to the family reunion again for Christmas. I asked Mommy if Robert will be there. What do you mean she said. Daddy’s part of the family right I said. Yes but Daddy died years ago in the fire honey she said. Are you sure I said. Mommy waited and said yes in spirit don’t talk about him like that. She looked at me really weird. Maybe she doesn’t know.

sickness

november 29 1996

November 29 1996
Oscar is sick. We took him to the vet and they think he has some worms because he ate a mouse. He was throwing up and missed his litter box. I’m worried about him so much. At least we can be sick together. I love Oscar. He’s my best friend next to Kevin. At lunch Kevin asked me about the big man again. He said his great aunt sees people who are not there sometimes too like spirits. I told him no it is not the same as spirits because Mr. Slim is real but he just doesn’t understand because he’s not in the club. I forgot I wasn’t suppose to talk about that so I shut up. He said he can talk to spirits with a game he plays. Kevin is my reading partner now so we get to hang out more in class now. We have a reading report due before Christmas and we picked The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. I like it because the cat reminds me of Mr. Slim and how he is a weird looking person that just shows up and makes my life a big mess.

december 3 1996 - december 5 1996

December 3 1996
I haven’t been taking my pills for about a month now and I feel better. My head feels less fuzzy and I think I can remember things more. The medication is suppose to be for my sickness but I don’t think I need it. Mommy gets angry when I don’t take them so I lie like she does and just pretend to take them. Ever since book club I keep having a dream about the woman with the X eyes that looks like Mommy where she is standing in front of a door and crying and screaming at me. Kevin keeps asking about the club now and I keep saying I was just joking. He wants to be part of it and I said why do you keep asking me about it and he says that he thinks he’s part of the club because he thinks he saw the big man last night. I told him there’s no way because I’m the only one who can see him because I’m special. Does my sickness make me special? Maybe not taking the pills can get other people sick? I am so scared that I gave Kevin my sickness. Oscar too.

december 6 1996 - december 7 1996

December 6 1996
Today is the first friday of the month so I went back to the book club that’s not really a club about books. I asked why we went on Monday the 11 and not friday and Mommy says it was because that was a special holy day that I had to be there. Mommy said it was the day that god blinked. I don’t understand. This time we went to the woods to a spooky house. I was called a lamb by the leader man. The hooded people asked me many questions about Mr. Slim. They asked me hard questions like what it was like to be in his presance and something about the fourth world. We had a service where we sang a strange song about how time is an illusion and the second cycle coming. Everyone walked around in a line and touched my forhead. It was better than the first time because nothing bad happened. Before we went home I asked who I could talk to that knows more about Mr. Slim because no one seems to know much since they just asked me stuff and Mommy said I can talk to the man with the skull face. She said he was sick but he would be here next time. They say I’m getting inducted next meeting. We went to Mcdonalds and then home.

wizards

november 12 1996 - november 13 1996

November 12 1996
Mommy sat me down in the morning and we had a talk about what happened last night. She told me that everyone in the hoods are our friends and that they praise the big man. She said she can’t see him but she believed me when I said I did. Mommy calls him Mr. Slim and says I am the only one who can see him and this makes me special. She has to lie about the friday meetings because it’s a big secret no one knows about. She told me to think of it like church. I asked mommy why we have to go to two churches now and she says it’s to get closer to Daddy and closer to God. I asked if it was the same god like at church. She didn’t say anything but she says that I was born really sick and they are trying to help me but if I tell anyone about them I won’t get healed because if anyone finds out the goverment will take me away and do experements on me like in the alien movies. I can’t tell anyone not even the doctor. I’m good at keeping secrets. I’m still kinda confused but the book club is a super secret club for people who love the big man. I think seeing him makes me sick somehow. I think they know magic and if the pills can’t help me than maybe the wizards can? I’ll be healed soon I think.

november 15 1996 - november 22 1996

November 15 1996
Everything tasted weird today even the pizza. Kevin asked me why my mommy took me out of class early on monday and I lied and said that I had my blood taken which was why I had an arm bandage. Actually I don’t think that was a lie really. It was hard to concentrate in class because I kept thinking about the fake book club and the camp fire wizards and Mr. Slim. Why am I the only one who can see him? Why me? What is he? Mommy says that they will answer all of my questions soon. Mommy was more happy than usual today. That usually means she is seeing another man but I think she’s happy she doesn’t have to lie to me about book club anymore. I’m happy Mommy that is happy but I’m not sure if I trust her more or less now. It was weird seeing Mommy leave today now that I know where she is going. She said I am only allowed to go once a month on the first friday of every month for a clensing but she goes every friday. I’m still not sure what she does there. I think Mommy is still lying to me. Mommy lies so much. I didn’t see Mr. Slim today.

club

october 1 1996 - november 10 1996

October 1 1996
Oscar ran out and went missing for two days and I was so scared that the big man would get him but he came back all dirty but ok. I think Mommy is taking a break from daddys because no one has come over in a while. Mommy is sad again and still talks a lot to the mystery person on the phone. The big man was at the window today by the tree and I played a trick on Mommy. I said what kind of bird is that and pointed to him. She said she didn’t see any bird. Mommy doesn’t take any pills and she is ok. I’m going to stop taking my pills.

November 10 1996
Mommy surprised me this morning saying that after school tomorrow she’s taking me to the book club! I’m so excited! I thought we would go on a friday like she usually does but this is neat too! I’m going to bring some of my favorite books The Hardy Boys Tower Treasure and Where the Wild Things Are to show them. I’m going to try to make some friends there if there are other kids who read a lot like I do. I don’t think they would make fun of me like the kids at school who call me names. I can’t wait till tomorrow!

november 11 1996

November 11 1996*
Mommy took me to her book club after school. There were no books though. It was a camp fire. There was a bunch of people in big black hoods and they had masks that were white. I think they were wizards. We listened to a man talk about their master and then we drank something like at church. It was gross but Mommy said it was ok so I drank it. I fell asleep and woke up in this dark house with candles. I was wearing a robe and my tummy hurt and my arm had a bandage on it and it was really sore. They made me say weird things and plege allegance like to the flag at school. There was a man with a skeleton face like from my dream. I saw a drawing of the big man on the wall. I pointed and the wizard people started whispering at each other. A man came over to me and said you will be one of us now. I asked what books they read and they gave me this black book with no title that was confusing. They sung a prayer from it in words I didn’t understand and then we went home. Mommy was crying. She said she was so proud of me. I think they drank my blood. Is this what a book club is? I don’t think I like book clubs.

*this happened on my 5th birthday. there is some deep significance to this date that i have yet to figure out. it seems to be connected to everything.

tree

july 23 1996 - august 12 1996

July 23 1996
It has been one year since I started this journal. So much has changed and I feel so much older and wiser. My writing has improved and I feel confident. I’m glad I have Oscar and met Kevin and know more of my family but I see the big man more now. I see him much more than when I started writing. I’m sleep walking a lot and forgetting more now too and Mommy is still seeing many men. It makes me sad but the home work keeps me busy and the pills are not as bad so I’m not as sad. I have the same dream over and over about the tall man and his creepy friends. They look like people I know but different. They are dark and scary and want to take me away. I wake up all sweaty.

August 12 1996
I woke up in the middle of the night and the big man. He was standing over my bed. I pretended I was asleep but I knew he knew I wasn’t sleeping. When I woke up he was gone but I wet the bed again. This happens a lot. Today was the first day of 2nd grade and it was alright. When I came home today from school Scott was waiting for Mommy. Then

august 12 1996 - august 23 1996*

Alan came too and punched Mommy hard and wrestled with Scott in the yard. Mommy got a big black eye and the police came and took them away. The police man told me Mommy is not allowed to have two daddys.

August 23 1996
We learned how to draw family trees today in school. Mommy helped me with it for home work. I learned about people in my family that I’ve never heard of before. Mommy’s side is bigger than Daddy’s side and more alive too. I never met Grandpa and Grandma Asher because they were gone before I was born but Aunt Jo is really nice and Tommy is also cool. I wish I lived with them sometimes or Noah’s family or anywhere else. I love Mommy but I wish we could live with nice people to play with and not strange men pretending to be my daddy.

september 16 1996

September 16 1996
Today is my 8th birthday! I am twice as old as I was when I was 4. Kevin was sick with the flu so I didn’t really have a party but Mommy got me cake and we went to see Fly Away Home. It was a nice movie about raising some ducks. Because I got good grades Mommy finally told me the surprise! She’s going take me to the book club soon! I was a little upset it wasn’t Nintendo 64 but I’m still excited because this is even better! I like reading a lot more now. I’m learning more stuff and getting into reading harder books for big kids. Maybe I can read along with Mommy and we can talk about the stories and have more fun together!

our family tree**

*that dream that milo had on september 4 was the same exact recurring dream that i had years ago and was mocked with by them.

**my dad took my mom's last name. it happens sometimes. i never thought much of it.

fly

may 23 1996 - may 26 1996

May 23 1996
Today is the last day of school. I’ve been studying hard to impress Mommy so I can get the game. I’m at the top of the class in english and social studies but I have to work on math. We went to the store today and I saw Mommy looking at the electronic gaming monthly magazine so the surprise has gotta be the Nintendo 64. I saw the big man in the corner of the store under a broken light but I didn’t care because he doesn’t do anything if I don’t. Mommy and I walked right past him. Maybe Mommy can’t see him? Maybe not like I do? Another new man came today and I think his name is Alan. I stayed in my room because he had big muscles and was scary.

May 26 1996
Today I was happy because it’s sunday and Mommy and I played some board games. Scott came back and kissed Mommy and played with us but Alan also comes over on other days and kisses her too. Mommy is looking for a new daddy but I don’t think they know about each other and that’s scary. I don’t like any of them because they

may 26 1996 - june 7 1996

don’t want to talk or play with me. I wonder why Mommy has that mark on her hand. She doesn’t want to talk about it when they bring it up and whenever I ask about it she gets sad.

June 7 1996
Summer camp started today. It’s still at school but we do fun art stuff instead of learning. I saw the big man standing outside my door except it wasn’t him it was a new man that came in and kissed Mommy before camp. He was really nice and gave me candy but Alan was over yesterday too. I don’t think Mommy is doing the right thing but she is less sad. Kevin and I went to the mall after camp. I lied to Mommy again and said it was for a group art project because I don’t think our mommys get along. Mommy was with the new man any way so she didn’t care. They had a tape of Super Mario 64 that from the E3 show and it looks so amazing! It was so cool I barely even noticed the big man right behind the counter. I ignored him because video games are awesome and he is just annoying to me like a fly. As long as I don’t pay

june 7 1996 - june 10 1996

attention to him he is just an annoying bug to me.

June 10 1996
The big man was at lunch today when Kevin asked me about him. He said if I can see him now and I said yeah. He didn’t see him but he asked me what he looked like and I said he is a really tall man in a fancy suit without a face and sometimes he has wiggly tenticle arms. He said the big man reminded him of doctor Octopus from Spiderman. I told him he’s not the same. He asked why not and I got frustrated because I couldn’t explain it. He asked me how tall he was and I looked but he was gone. Then I felt him standing right behind me so I just got up and ran back to class early because I’ve never felt that scared before. They say don’t talk to strangers but as strange as the big man is he is not a stranger to me since I’ve been seeing him forever. My first memory was running down the hallway away from my mean nanny and I ran into him and screamed.

mouse

march 12 1996 - april 2 1996

March 12 1996
Oscar caught me a mouse today. He left it at my feet in the morning. I was proud of him because he is a good hunter but also I was sad for the mouse because he just wanted a warm and safe place to live. I buried him in the yard. I feel like the mouse alot. Not that I need a place to live but that I feel like I am being hunted by the big man and his scary friends. They look like my friends and family. He gets closer every day and I dont know why. Mommy still will not talk to me when I bring it up. I keep having dreams like last night about being at grandpas house looking for his special book. I know all his hiding places now because they keep showing me. When I am there I dont feel the big man looking at me. I have this dream the most.

April 2 1996
Didnt see Kevin today. Maybe hes sick too? I dont like eating lunch alone. I got brave after school and I asked Mommy if I can go to the book club with her. She just said no Im not old enough for it yet. I asked what they do and she said they read books and talk about them. I think its like reading time in

april 2 1996 - april 12 1996

school but for gownups. The grownup books are big and boring and hard to read but Im glad it makes Mommy happy though. Maybe if I read more Mommy will love me more. I wish I could jump into the story books and excape real life. Mommy has a new man coming over now and his name is Scott. He is more nice than Rick but he feels like a business man and not a daddy. Business men remind me of the big man.

April 7 1996
Im naked in a big thick pool and it smells really bad and I cant see and I can barely breath. I swim and swim and swim and then I find a wall. It is slimy and gross and made of skin. I am in a big stomack. I touch my tummy and theres a big cord going in my belly button. I cant see but I feel there are others inside with me. They are screaming. Then I wake up.

April 12 1996
Today was the closest I saw the big man. I went to the bathroom to pee and he was there across the room. He had 12 arms

april 12 - may 13 1996

and looked like a octopus. I said hello and asked his name but he didnt talk back. I got angry and threw a toilet paper roll at him and then I woke up on the floor at the end of school with a big head ake. Im going to the docter now because my ears were bleeding. Turns out I was ok and Mommy said she has a suprise for me if I do good in school. I think its the new Nintendo 64 game system that comes out soon because Ive been talking about it alot at dinner. There is a new Mario game for it too and it looks so cool because its 3D and not flat 2D like my real Daddys old games. Its like the Spyro game Kevin has and I really wanna play it. I hope Mommy gets it for me.

lying

january 8 1996 - febuary 26 1996

January 8 1996
Im back to school from winter break. Im half happy and half sad. Im happy because I get to hang out with Kevin more but Im sad because Miss Robinson is on materniny leave because she had a baby and we have a substitute teacher now. He is named Mr Darvil and he is an ass hole! He put me in time out for joking about his funny hair. He saw my drawing of him and he got really mad! Im getting better at drawing and miss Robinson said I was creative but Mr Darvil is a meany basterd! He gave Jeremy a referal for shooting spitballs at Jenny and he cried hard. He likes Jenny but Jenny hates him. Ha Ha Ha! Fuck you Jeremy.

Febuary 26 1996
Sorry that I have not been writing for a while. I have been away doing homework and playing video games. I have been seeing the big man more times now. Some times he is at the lunchroom hiding in the dark part of the stage. Some times he hides by the big trees at recess. It is hard to take a big test when he is outside the window looking at me. I know he is looking at me

febuary 26 1996 - march 4 1996

even though he does not have a face because I can feel it when he looks.

March 4 1996
I forget to write down when I see the big man some times because of my memory issues. But I remembered today. Today Mommy picked me up and when she drove around the corner she screeched the car stop. I hit my head on the seat and it hurt and it was really scary. We backed up and drove real fast down the back road we dont drive down much. I didnt say anything I was so scared and when we got home Mommy said wow almost hit those baby ducks. I didnt see any ducks. But I saw the big man in the road. Mommy locked herself in her room and has been on the phone for 5 hours now talking to someone since we got home. I think Mommy can see him too. Why is mommy lying to me?

jumanji

december 27 1995 - december 29 1995

December 27 1995
I think grandpa is in trouble. The police men came in the morning and I cried because I thought I was going to jail. I didnt go to jail but Mommy looked reeeally nervus. I have never seen her eyes look so big and worried. She was on the phone all day talking to someone in grandpas weird words. I stayed at Will and Elizabeths house and Noah was there too and we painted some pictures. Will and Elizabeth are really both my cousins because I thought a neece means girl cousin but it doesnt. I got dropped off because Mommy has a book club up here too. Mommy really likes reading books.

December 29 1995
We are flying home today. Im going to miss my relatives even though I dont really know them because home is lonely. I got some new books to read from Elizabeth because she read them already. Mommy didnt seem interested in the books. Sometimes Mommy is confusing like that. I think she only likes big boring grownup books. I saw the big man at the airport outside the plane. He followed me.

january 1 1996 - january 4 1996

January 1 1996
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Im going to see the Jumanji movie with Kevin. UPDATE: It was a super cool movie! These kids play an old bored game that becomes real. Kevin made me laugh so hard at the movie we got shhhed by people! I really like Robin Williams hes so funny. I wonder what it would be like to get sucked into a jungle game like him. I wonder what would happen if no one ever found the game. Would he be stuck there forever?

January 4 1996
I woke up in my bathroom in the middle of the night. This happens some times. The docter said I am sleep walking. This time was different because I saw a man in my room. He was the dark man like from my dream but he was real. The big tall man was outside the window too and he had many arms but the smiling dark man said I was safe for now. He had small dots for eyes and he said that I will need to help Noah. I asked how and he said three numbers 5 12 30 and pointed to this journal on my desk. I blinked and then they were gone. It was not a dream. I know it was not a dream because I did not sleep for two days after I blinked.

grandpa

december 16 1995 - december 25 1995

December 16 1995
FINALY! It is cristmas break! No more school or homework or bullys. I got an award for the best grades in the class. They called me nerd and geek but I felt ok because I am smarter than them and can prove it. Mommy said we are going to New York for a family reunion soon. I do not know any body except grandpa and grandma. Grandpa is a grumpy old man who doesnt speak english much and grandma is quiet and strict.

December 21 1995
I am on a plane now! It was scary for a bit but now its cool to see the ground from way up high because everyone looks like little ants. My ears hurt and it is shakey. Mommy gets nervus when we fly. Im sad because I couldnt bring Oscar but he is ok. We are going to get pizza when we land. I love pizza! I cant wait to play in the snow and make snow angels!

December 25 1995
Merry Christmas! There is so much snow and it is awesome. The family reunion

december 25 1995 - december 26 1995

happened today. I met alot of cousins and other relatives. I have a cousin named Will and a neece named Elizabeth but they are kinda boring. We had good food and had a cristmas party. Grandpa was sitting all by himself. I said hello but he didnt hear me. He looked at me and said some thing funny sounding. He looked angry like from my dreams and grabbed my arm. Mommy took me away and said not to talk to grandpa. I dont understand.

December 26 1995
I went to sleep and woke up at a strange house. It was dark and scary. I walked around and found a door. It was from my dream. I opened it and found a weird box. I wanted to open it but I dont know why. I got it open and the light went on and grandpa was there with a big gun. He yelled at me and I ran. I ran down the stairs and got out the door. Mommy was there with the police. Why did grandpa kidnap me?

glasses

november 17 1995 - november 20 1995

November 17 1995
Docters said I am ok I think. I stayed the night at the hospital. Mommy had to leave because of book club. A man came to visit me at night. I pretended to be asleep and he said he loved me and kissed my head. I think it was the docter but I dont know if it was a dream. I am heading back home but I have to take more pills now. I hate the pills. They make me dizzy and sick. If I am sick why do I take pills that make me sick? Mommy doesnt like me talking about the big man. She gets sad. I want to go to New York for cristmas because I want to see snow and meet my famly. Rick doesnt want to go but Mommy said we definately will. Im not as sad today.

November 20 1995
Kids at school made fun of me again because they said I ran away but I didnt. Kevin is still a good friend. At least I have Kevin. He just got some glasses because his eyes dont work okay. He asked what happened and I told him the truth. He is the only person who listens to me about the big no face man. I am scared of the

november 20 1995 - december 6 1995

big man because he does not do anything most times. Kevin thinks it is a ghost but I think it is a monster. I dont know if he is a good monster or a bad monster. Why am I seeing a monster?

December 6 1995
I thought I lost my journal but I kept it under my bed and forgot. The pills Mommy makes me take make me forget more and give me weird dreams. Sometimes I only pretend to take them. Mommy said Rick is gone for good and I am happy. He was really mean and hit me because I ate his snacks. But Mommy is sad and lonely like me now so I am sad too. I wish I could talk to docter Corenthal who gave me this journal about the big man. I asked Mommy but she said that she cant find his phone number. I tried to look up Dr Corenthal at the library but I cant find out how to call him and Im afraid to ask Mommy again because she says the big man isnt real and I dont want her to be sad and angry at me.

angel

october 30 1995 - november 11 1995

October 30 1995
I am not sick anymore. Back to school today. We learned about dinosaurs today. They are animals that are millions of years old. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and see them alive and not bones. When Mommy came to pick me up today I saw the big man in the courtyard with the trees. I asked mommy if she could see him and she said no. I hate it when Mommy smokes in the car because it smells bad. The big man was down the street from my house. Why does he wear a business suit? Maybe he has a meeting to get to?

November 3 1995
Im going to Noahs house in Florida for his birthday! I am so excited! Mommy said that we are going in a week. I am so happy and I cant wait to see him. I dont have many friends in Alabama. I had a strange dream again. I was in this dark house and I saw the dark man. He told me to follow him and he showed me this door and told me to open it. I woke up before I could open it. I wet the bed.

November 11 1995
Im in Florida now for Noahs birthday. He is four years old. Noah is a lot of fun. He has a big house and its

november 11 1995 - november 15 1995

very pretty. Rick didnt come because Mommy made him clean up my pee and he got mad and left. I saw the big man again but I didnt look and kept playing. We played a bunch of video games and swam in his pool. I wish Noah lived closer. He is young but we are nice friends.

November 12 1995
I saw the man before I left Noahs house. He stood outside of a window. He had branches again this time. They moved. He looked like a black tree. I saw him a lot when I was at Noahs house. Maybe he is a guardian angel like in the stories. I dont think so. Angels have faces.

November 15 1995
I saw him for the second time today... why does he not move? I was at school having lunch and I went to the bathroom and he was there. He was closer now so I ran at him. I dont remember but I woke up on the floor outside my house with scratches and I was really scared. I went inside and there was the police. They said I was gone for a whole day. It is now November 16. I am in the car going to the hospital now. Mommy is calm. Mommy is calm when she smokes.

i barely remember milo staying over. one of my earliest memories was playing tag in my pool. i never saw the big man. at least i dont remember that i did.

virus

october 13 1995 - october 20 1995

October 13 1995
I hate everything. The kids beat me up today. The big man was behind the jungle gym and I ran to the slide and they pushed me down and laffed. My leg is sprayned and I have a cast on my leg. Michael and Jeremy got a referal. Sometimes he has more than 2 arms. Mommy says the big man is in my imagination. My imagination scares me.

October 20 1995
My leg is getting better but now Im sick with flu. Mommy makes me take more gross medecine and pills but makes good soup. The docter says I have a virus. Im glad I dont have to go to school but my leg hurts bad and I feel really sick. Oscar doesnt care that I am sick. He sleeps with me anyway. I dont like it when Rick hits Mommy because it makes her cry. He reminds me of Jeremy. I had a nightmare too I was in my bed and couldnt move. The door opened and a man came over to my bed and told me to get a book from grandpa. He was made of blackness. He scares me like the big man does. They are friends.

october 22 1995

October 22 1995
I cant do anything because I have a high fever. I am sore all over and cough alot. I have to read books for class but I dont want to because reading is boring. Video games are fun but they get boring. The big man is outside my window some times when I look. I wish I had a brother or sister or a real daddy to play with. Being alone is nice but it is boring. I wish Noah lived closer too because was fun to play with. I have weird dreams when I have high fever. Last night I dreamed that I was hugging my real daddy Robert next to a lake and it felt really real but I dont know if it was a dream or a memory.

YOU WILL KICK
AND YOU WILL SCREAM
AND TELL YOURSELF
IT IS ONLY A DREAM
BUT YOUR EYES ARE OPEN
THE PINCH YOU CAN FEEL
FOR YOU ARE NOT ASLEEP
THE DREAM IS
REAL

I do not remember writing this.*

*i think this may be older milo commenting on this entry from years later

hate

september 22 1995 - october 4 1995

September 22 1995
I hate Mommy. I brought Kevin home on the bus and she got mad. She does not like me bringing kids home without telling but she never lets me have anyone over ever. She called his mommy and he left. I am grounded for the weekend. What did I do? What did I do. I am so mad at Mommy. I have Oscar.

September 29 1995
I got in trouble. Jeremy called me bad names at recess and I kicked him. I had to talk to the principal. He is a scary bald man. He reminds me of the big man. I am grounded again. He called me dork and shit head but I get in trouble because I hurt him but he hurt me more. It isnt fair I want Jeremy to die. I got sent home and didnt get to have pizza. I hate everyone.

October 4 1995
I had a bad dream about the big man again. I have dreams of him a lot. The house was empty and I was alone with my flashlight. I hided from him but he found me and I screamed but

october 4 1995 - october 6 1996

my voice was gone. I woke up and he was in my closet and I screamed. Mommy came in and turned on the light and no one was there. The man in my ear wispers he wants to take me and the other kids on a vacation. I do not like him and I dont want to go with him any where. I cant sleep.

October 6 1995
I am bored to day. Mommy doesnt play with me alot. She talks on the phone and watches TV and smokes sigaretes and leaves for book club on fridays and I can never come. A new man comes over to stay with Mommy some times named Rick. They scream at each other at night and its scary. He wants me to call him daddy. He calls me squirt. I am not a squirt. He is not my daddy. He doesnt care about me or play games with me. I know my real that daddy died when I was a baby but I really want a real daddy to live with. Maybe he would play with me. Oscar sleeps all day and wont play much. Mommy wants me to take pills. I dont like the pills because they make me feel sick.